Are men realistic?

Being on a dating website really opens ones eyes to what men want. What I find really interesting is the type of woman for which they search. At least 90% of them put their idealistic woman as athletic and toned, slender, curvy, or about average. A few will actually put a few extra pounds as being okay, and even fewer will list full-figured. Are they serious?

One of the men who popped up in my search criteria wrote this in his bio: There's 6.79 billion people in the world and 1.9 million in the county where I live. I'm just looking for one. I believe that it is possible for two people who are mutually attracted to each other and that have compatible lifestyles to find each other. However, I don't like lop sided relationships where one is more attracted to the other. I been on both sides and I don't like it either way. I believe we need to be mutualy and equaly attracted to each other. I try to eat healthy, stay in shape and take care of myself. I am attracted to ladies who do the same. Although, I do admit, I like a fat juicy burger now and then too.

Naturally, I emailed him. I said, ""There's 6.79 billion people in the world and 1.9 million in the county where I live."

Do you know what sucks? That 90% of the men in this county are looking for this body type:

Athletic and toned
about average
slender
a few extra pounds.

I guess I'm screwed, huh?"

He replied: I believe there is someone out there for everyone. You just got to find them. Be patient and determined.
And keep seeking.

I couldn't let that go. I had to give him a reply. I said, "The problem I keep running into is the "thanks, but no thanks" response. I presume I'd get that from you, as well.

Seeking is easy. Finding, not so easy.

Good luck to you, however. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for, even if I don't."

I haven't heard back from him yet. Of course, he hasn't been on in three days. Still, it makes one wonder. Incidentally, he also listed his ideal mate to be athletic and toned, slender, curvy or average. Go figure. I'm thinking ... if he does answer back to my last email, I'm going to start an actual conversation with him. See how far he will let it go ... how far we can take the conversation. Of course, that's a big IF!

It's just so damn frustrating. I mean, I know I'm doing this strictly for research purposes, but still.... Why can't men admit that if they found the right woman, intellectually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, that it won't really matter what she looks like. I've already nabbed two husbands who weren't necessarily looking for a big woman. In fact, the second husband was looking at cocktail waitresses when he met me. I was definitely NOT his physical type. But I proved to be his type in every other area of life. (and they didn't break up with me... they would have been happy to stay with me... I broke up with them for different reasons) I guess if I'm going to change their minds, make them see that realistically the perfect woman for them might not have the perfect body, I'm going to have to argue my case better than I have so far.

Not all profiles are what they seem

I have to share this with you because it's so hard to believe. I received a "wink" on my profile. A 55 year old man from North Dakota looking for a woman who speaks English, said this about himself:

"I am delighted youthful appearance and cheerful mood man, I love to be with my family and a very sincere and honesty man to all satisfaction, I love to travel something seeing more of the world and also for fun, I love going to beach, camping, fishing and I play golf sometimes. I am here to seek a love that s ready for commitment and want to live by love and loved, you know where love don't exist sadness and hopeless take places, so I want a love and grow with love and dies with love.

I want a long term relationship, a love that is build on friendship, companion and care with pure feelings. I will appreciate a love with great sense of humor and one that really know what of love and relationship to live with good friendship and God fearing one. I will be showcasing more when we get along."

Seriously, if you know what he's trying to say, can you interpret for me?? LOL
I sent him a "thanks, but no thanks" response.

Also today I sent out a couple of emails on that site. I read one profile written by a man who wrote something to the effect of "don't wink me, put on your big girl pants and email me. If I see that you've looked at my profile but didn't do anything else, I will assume that you didn't find anything you liked." Those aren't his EXACT words, but it's pretty close. So I emailed him and let him know that sometimes a girl is interested until she reads what he is looking for in a mate and realizes that it's not she. I then suggested that if he was looking for an intelligent woman who had a great sense of humor and was friendly and fun to be with, he should chat with me. I haven't heard from him. Then I ran across another profile that said something about taking a chance and thinking outside the box and email those you find interesting because you never know what will happen. So I emailed him and said something about going outside of the box and emailing or winking men regardless of what their profile said they were looking for and for some reason, I'm still getting "thanks but no thanks" and suggested he should do the same (think outside the box) and talk with me. I haven't heard from him either.

And while I am writing this, my phone alerted me that someone has winked me. How much do you want to bet that he's another man living in some other area of the United States (supposedly) who doesn't speak, or write, English very well? That seems to be the only ones who "wink" me. My brother has the theory that they are outside of the US (in some 3rd world country, perhaps), looking for someone to send them money so they can come to the US and get their green card. I tend to agree with him. That's why some of these profiles don't feel like they are who they say they are. That's why I'm so cautious about who I wink or email.

How many will I maybe?

As I lay in bed this morning debating whether or not I wanted to actually get up, a new profile message popped into my head. So when I was completely and fully awake, I went over to the dating website and changed my profile. This is what is says now:

"Hi there! My name is Denise. I'm fun to be with, easy to talk to and laugh often. I can hold my own in a conversation, and love it when the conversation gets so involved that we lose track of the time. I find the humor in nearly everything and I'm told I have an infectious laugh. I'm the quintessential optimist - the glass is always half-full and there's always a bright side to everything. I believe life is full of lessons, and I live my life as honestly as possible. Life's too short to not enjoy it. I'm looking for a friend who can be a companion and who will enjoy sharing what life has to offer. I am looking for a man who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated - with the same kindness and thoughtfulness with which I treat him. Someone who will appreciate my quirkiness and sense of humor. I'd like him to have a good self-esteem without being selfish and is able to appreciate my selflessness. I am not looking to get married. I feel as tho we were meant to have companionship throughout our lives and when that is missing, we can feel it tenfold. Friendship is an integral part of a good companionship, so I'd like to find a friend first. If the friendship is a good one, who knows where it will lead."

I don't know if this will work better than the last one, but there it is. When I logged in to make the changes, I saw that one more person had looked at my profile. He was 39, in the army, athletic and toned and not looking for a big and beautiful woman. My guess is I popped up on his search grid but I'm not what he is looking for. No biggie.

I do have 5 new matches. I thought we should go through them together!

Candidate number one is 48 years old, athletic and toned, has never been married and has no kids. He doesn't want children but it's okay if his partner has kids, and is a social drinker. In his own words: "I have a lot of interests, but the ones I spend the most time on are, music, TV (Tivo has really changed my TV viewing habits!), movies (especially DVDs), weekend getaways, and home remodeling (not necessarily in that order). I'm pretty low-keyed, and can be comfortable in almost any setting. Thanks again for looking! Write for more info. You can ask me anything, and I'll give you an honest answer. (Please be specific, i.e. not "tell me about yourself.") I'm looking for someone reasonably normal to spend quality time with. I'm not looking for perfection. Mostly I'm looking for someone who doesn't add too much drama (stress!) to my life. Someone honest and kind and easygoing, like me. Someone who has their life in some sort of order, or maybe has a plan to get somewhere." I think I'll give him a maybe and check his profile later.

Single man number two is 52, slender, divorced and has kids who live away from home. He's a protestant, social drinker who doesn't smoke. He's 6'6". Very tall and very thin. Probably not a good match for me. I'll write down his name and look him up for the complete profile tho, cuz I am curious what he put for his dates stats. He's a writer, which I like so he's a maybe.

Profile number three is 42 years old, athletic and toned, divorced with no kids. He's a social drinker who doesn't smoke and he's catholic. (too bad for him) In his own words, "Very outgoing man - Love to be busy with work and with play of course. I'm hoping to find someone that is as fed up as myself with the dating scene is Vegas. Anyone can get dates - but the person Im looking for wants to go on that second and third and so on. Looking for someone sporty but can also be a lady. Was born and raised in northern cal "wine country" and still love and miss it. " I think he's a no!

This next one sounds really desperate to find someone. Makes me wonder if he is who he says he is. He's 51, divorced with no kids, athletic and toned, a social drinker who doesn't smoke. In his words, "I am a intelligent, handsome, caring man looking for a friend to enjoy all the world has to offer. This is the best time of my life and I want to share it with you, a wonderful, fun loving, smart women who knows what she wants in life. I am strong in mind, body and heart, and always live life to it's fullest. We both have our feet on the ground and want that special someone in our world. I am a person that loves having a partner to share all life has to offer." And actually, based on what I'm reading, we are looking for the same thing, and we like the same places. He could be a maybe so I won't say no tho my instinct tells me I should.

This last one, I know I've read the profile bio before but not for this individual. That tells me this one isn't who he says he is. Here are the words, "would describe myself as fun-loving, caring, friendly, hopeless romantic and devoted. I am somewhat shy at first until I get to know someone if it is a one on one; but I also tend to cut up if I am in a crowd I am comfortable wearing a pair of jeans to a formal gown and is very versatile. I don't need a woman to complete me as I am okay with being by myself. But it would be nice to have that special someone in my life to share What I am looking for at this time is someone with the same interests to hang out. With the hopes that he would become my best friend and soul mate. I think the ultimate woman would be someone who was geniune, honest, fun to be around, caring, able to carry on a conversation with me, not at me." I think it's been copy and pasted (which is what I do to get it here) from somewhere else. Regardless what the other stats are or what his picture looks like, I'm going to say no. I have strong feelings on this one.

Now I'm going over to the search area to look up the profiles of those I maybe'd. The first one I'm looking up is the one that I think I will disregard... the one that my instincts tell me he's not who he says he is. As I suspected, he's looking for a woman 5'0" to 6'6". Those are his only qualifications. So I'm not going to do anything else. I'm gonna let it go.

Now I'll look at the first profile that I said maybe to. He's looking for a short, slender woman. I'm pretty sure I'll get the thanks but no thanks email, so I'll let this one go.

Last but not least, the really tall, thin guy is looking for someone 5'2" to 6'2" - so he likes 'em short. But he also wants her slender to average.. not even a couple of extra pounds. So I'll let him go as well.

I don't have to wink or email these men, because like the profile looker that I found this morning, then they log in, they'll see that I've looked at their profile and if they are curious about who looked, they'll come over and look at mine. I'll let you know which, if any, actually did look.

So that's what they gave me today. Although I've only just begun this journey, with each profile I read, I'm leaning more and more in the direction that these sites only work if you are fairly young, thin to average, and are deemed beautiful. I'm no longer young, have never been thing to average, and have no idea if I'm beautiful. But, I won't let that deter me... I'll continue to wade my way through their matches. What I'm really curious about is how long before the matches start to repeat themselves???

My Profile

Since I know you're curious what my profile says and how it's laid out, I will tell you all about it now.

I have a total of 8 pictures of me on my profile; all of which are current within a year. Only one picture isn't a head shot of just me. It was taken at Christmastime in Idaho and it was snowing. I'm wearing my Old Spice racing jacket, and I'm holding Andy, and Nic and Tony are standing next to me.

It says that I am a 43-year-old woman in North Las Vegas, Nevada, seeking men 37-55 within 25 miles. I am currently separated, have children who live at home, don't want kids but it's okay if my partner has kids. I am big and beautiful, at 5'6". I'm spiritual but not religious, smoke daily, and am a social drinker.

My bio part I have changed about 10 times in 3 weeks. The first format looked like this: ME: blah blah blah. YOU: blah blah blah. I changed the verbiage on that a couple of times. But I wasn't getting much of a response, so I changed the format after about a week. Then I went to a long dissertation about who I was and what I was looking for. And changed the verbiage on that a couple of times. Then I went to this: WHO am I? blah blah blah, WHO am I looking for? blah blah blah WHAT am I looking for? Friendship, companionship, a date once in awhile, and if it feels right, who knows where it may go. That also didn't get a lot of response.

It's funny. I wonder if the no thank you's are because of what I wrote on my bio, so I change it A LOT, but I really know that the no's are because of my being "Big and Beautiful." But I'm not changing that!

Currently, this is exactly what my bio says: ""Life's not fair, is it?" My favorite opening line of all time. Can you name the movie?

I can tell you all the things that you read in every profile. But you won't know how many of them are true unless you write to me or talk to me. The problem is, most of you will look at my picture and decide that I'm not the one for you. But how can you tell from a picture? A picture won't tell you if I'm smart or intelligent. It won't tell you if I know how to have fun. It won't tell you if I have a great laugh. There's only one way to find out. So take a chance. Wink me or email me."

Then it says I have dark brown hair, hazel eyes, what kind of sports and exercise I like and how many time I exercise (I put 1-2 days a week). It shows my interests, which I listed as camping, coffee and conversation, exploring new areas, fishing/hunting, movies/videos, museums and art, music and concerts, playing cards. These I chose from a list they provided. I don't remember what all was on the list, but I figured even tho I have many more interests, I chose the ones that I tend to actually partake rather those that I hoped to do. It says I'm in labor/construction (again, I had to chose from a list and this was closest), speak English and have had some college. I am a liberal in my politics, my sign is Aquarius, I have a dog, some fish and exotic pets, and that I like birds and horses (as pets).

Now my list about my date. I put that I am looking for men between 5'8" and 6'4" who speak English, are spiritual but not religious or Christian/other, and who don't drink, drink moderately or drink occasionally. I put that last part because I don't want someone who puts they drink regularly. I don't mind a drink every now and again, but not someone who needs it every day. Been there, done that; no thank you! The rest of the questions I didn't put a preference cuz seriously I don't care. They are hair, eyes, body type, ethnicity, education, job, income, smoke, relationships, have kids, want kids.

And from this, the majority of the matches they send me, probably about 85% to 90% of them, the men are athletic and toned or slender or about average but aren't looking for heavyset or big and beautiful women. If I want to find a guy that is slightly overweight or heavyset, I have to go into the search area and weed through a lot of matches to find some. They are out there, but, not as many as I expected. And here's something interesting... I have either emailed or winked every heavyset, stocky or otherwise overweight guy that had similar interests as me and guess what? Not a single one of them has gotten back to me with a positive result. Go figure.

5 New Matches

I checked my email this morning to find a message from the dating website that I had five new matches. Let's go check 'em out!

When I click on the link to show me how brilliant they are in matching me up with someone, I am immediately shown my first possible match. What I get is a snippet of his profile. It gives me his age (47), weight (about average), relationship status (currently separated), if he has kids (yes, and they live away from home), if he drinks (social), if he smokes (occasionally), and his religion (Atheist). (I am purposefully leaving out race/ethnicity as that isn't a factor for me.) Except for the Atheist, so far so good. I can overlook the religion thing for now.

Then I get to the part where he writes his own bio. He says he uses both sides of his brain. That's original. He can't tolerate stupidity, cowardice, racism or religious fanaticism. Who can? He says he doesn't watch much TV but then says there is no God, but Stewie comes close. Hmmmm.... I find it interesting that he feels there is no God, but capitalized God. Leads me to believe that he was raised with some kind of religion. Most atheists don't capitalize god, since they don't believe he exists. (Do you see the difference from God to god?) Anyway, moving on....

He says he LOVES movies. That's promising. I LOVE movies! Oh but wait! He says he wrote a screenplay that got praise from an Academy Award winning actress. Is he singing his own praises or bragging? Makes me think he's a bit of a peacock, this one. Let's keep reading. Oh, AND he made a few short films at the NY Film Academy. He's committed to writing another screenplay and producing it himself. Interesting. Sounds like whoever decides to be in his life will have to play second fiddle to his career. That's something to take into consideration.

He says he's very social. Wants to go out a lot, he said. He says the most important attributes a woman can have is intelligence, sense of humor, kindness and honesty. And if you speak Spanish or French, even better as he needs the practice. LOL

He likes going to punk and alternative concerts. Music interest is similar. A few of his favorite things: Love to play guitar, read thought provoking articles, take cruises, snorkel. Meet interesting people. Walk in great cities. Beautiful white sandy beaches and turquoise water.

He sounds a bit like a romantic, but it seems to me he's trying too hard to impress. A peacock is the image I get. I'll give him a maybe for now and visit his full profile later.

Okay, 2nd option is 46 years old, about average, divorced, has children who live away from home, is a social drinker, non-smoker, catholic. I am immediately on guard because he doesn't smoke so he probably wants someone who doesn't smoke, and he's catholic. I wonder how catholic: practicing or non-practicing? He describes himself as confident, funny and candid. He loves to laugh. He loves to cook, visit SoCal, golf and play tennis. He is looking for the right person to share the rest of this journey with. Someone who is passionate and affectionate, is tired of the game playing and wants to be loved and cared for. This sounds almost too good to be true. Except for the catholic thing, and the fact that it appears he loves to play golf, he sounds really interesting. I will give him a maybe and visit his profile later.

Number three is slender, which tells me right off the bat he ain't looking for a fat woman. But here are the particulars: 48, divorced, no kids, social drinker, non-smoker, spiritual but not religious (which is what I put on my profile). From his bio, I am getting that he's a club hopper (favorite places to visit: 107 Lounge, Ghostbar, Silverton), probably doesn't make a lot of money (doesn't have cable cuz he's not interested in main stream TV - right), but wants to travel (interesting). Looking for a free spirit who is willing to share the journey together. And he's looking to fill a void (yes, he actually wrote that!). This guy is a definite NO. Now that I look at his picture better and think about it, I've looked at this guy's profile before. I think he came up in a search a couple of weeks ago. Hopefully putting a NO on him will get him out of the search database for me.

Number 4 is interesting already. His profile picture is a long distant shot of him sitting under a tree in a campground. So he wants to create the illusion that he's an outdoorsy type. Got it. When I look at his other photos, which I don't always do, (there are 9 of them), I see a nice sunset, a toy-hauler, an ATV, a picnic table at Redrock Canyon, a self-portrait taken with a phone in a mirror minus his head holding in his gut, one of him lounging on a couch with a little girl standing next to him (cutie), and a nice shot of the number 99 car driven by Carl Edwards which tells me he's a NASCAR fan. I think I might maybe this guy just because of that. But it seems odd that of the 10 photos he uploaded, he's only in 4 of them. That tells me he has low self-esteem. 41 years old, divorced, no kids, social drinker, non-smoker, spiritual but not religious. Why do they keep matching me with non-smokers?? His bio is short at sweet (very short). He's laid back and reserved. Wants his match to be her own person and not change for anyone. Likes back yard BBQ's, and attends all NASCAR and NHRA events. I'm definitely going to maybe this guy and look at his profile.

Two things pop out at me with number 5. One, he has no picture .. why? Two, he's LDS. NO WAY. I already know I'm going to say no, and would have, but I'll give you his particulars, just cuz I know you're curious. 37, athletic and toned, never married, no kids, drinks moderately, smokes occasionally. I could never do this bio the justice that it deserves, so I'm just going to copy and paste it so that you can read it for yourself: "This is my favorite part,I want a woman thats down to earth,that likes to feel sexy,and not afraid to be herself.a woman that dont think shes better than the human race but knows what shes worth.Life has its ups and downs i truly under stand,but with me my sole mission is to make u feel that when u with me there are no downs only highs.And with that being said, "get with me". Sincerly,your PUSHER(love sex and magic)" I knew you'd get a kick out of that one!

Of those that I maybe'd, which, by the way, is quite a lot on this round, I am going to, without looking at his profile first, cuz that will sway my decision, email the NASCAR guy. In the email, I will say that I am also into NASCAR and attend those races as well. Then I'll ask him to check out my profile and hopefully he'll feel that we have something in common. I have a feeling, he's going to send me the "thanks but no thanks" response. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. After I send the email, I will check out his profile. It will tell me the particulars of what he's looking for.

Okay, his full profile, which gives even more information about him than the initial search match, says he has blond hair and blue eyes, exercises 5 or more times a week, his occupation is Political / Govt / Civil Service / Military, and he earns over $100K a year. He's a Sagittarius, owns a dog, and his politics are middle of the road. I like that he owns a dog and his sign says that we are kind of compatible in the astrological world. I wonder what kind of exercising he does 5 or more times a week; gym, walking the dog, or part of his work?

He's looking for a woman between 5' and 6' who is athletic and toned, slender, about average, curvy, or has a few extra pounds. A social drinker who smokes but is trying to quit; who is white, asian, latino/hispanic, or a pacific islander. And it says he was on about an hour ago. So he's fairly active in here. That means I could get my answer fairly quickly.

So, now I wait for his "thanks but no thanks" which I am sure is what he's going to say... if he's going to say anything at all. He could just decide to ignore my email, especially once he looks at my profile.

The suspense is killing me!

Dating websites

You know those dating websites that advertise on TV? The ones that claim they can match you up to someone who is perfect for you and you will live in harmony with until death do you part. Yeah, well, I joined one.

Originally, I joined it to help my brother who felt he needed the help finding a girlfriend, since he doesn't get out very much. He kept asking me about his profile. Did it sound okay; was there too much; not enough; why wasn't anyone responding, etc. I thought if I could read some of the other men's profiles and see what they were saying, I could find something that would work for him. So I registered but didn't subscribe.

Then, about three days later, I logged in and found that someone had left me an email. But in order for me to read it, I had to subscribe to their service. My mind immediately decided that it was the site admins welcoming me to their site, etc. So I didn't do anything about it. Well, in order to register for these sites, you have to have a valid email address. I gave them an old one that I only use for stuff like this but hardly ever check. I don't know why I did, but I finally went to that email and checked and the site sent me an email telling me who the email at their site was from, and it wasn't them. It was a man.

Well, that was it. Now I have to subscribe, because who would be desperate enough to want to email me? I call the number for subscribing (cuz my security system won't let me do it on-line with a credit card - said the site wasn't secure) and I tell them I only want to try it for a month. The price for a 6 month subscription is waaayyyy more than I want to pay, but I'm willing to shell out about forty bucks for a month. So he (the guy on the phone) tells me they will give me a 6 months subscription for half the original price (which ends up being about twenty bucks more than the monthly price) and that will include a guarantee. If I don't find a match in 6 months, I get 6 months free. Well, how can I pass that up?

So I've had so much fun reading profiles and winking men and reading emails, that I decided to share my experiences with you.

The first email I received basically said text or call me if you want to meet your new friend. I went ahead and put the contact into my phone. He also included his facebook address, so I went and found him on facebook and asked to be his friend. He accepted almost immediately. But I didn't call or text him right away. I think I held onto his number for about three days. Finally, I got up the nerve to text him. All I said was I had received an email from him inviting me to text him so here I am. He took about an hour getting back to me and by then it was about 8:30pm. We texted for nearly an hour when the normal chit chat turned to sexting. Then he asked me to voice him. Turns out, all he wanted was phone sex. He was, apparently, getting himself very worked up, and right in the middle of the conversation, he hung up on me.

So not a nice first experience. I've been with this site for more than 2 weeks now, and I've winked about 26 men and emailed about 10 of them. I've received 3 winks and 5 emails. The emails I receive all say the same thing: thanks but no thanks. Of the three winks, one was from another country, one is a bible thumper, and the other one lives in California. I haven't responded to the last two winks yet, but I told the one out of the country thanks but no thanks. I want to do the same with the guy in California, but something keeps stopping me. He looks like a nice guy, but is it really him? I thought about emailing him and seeing where that goes. But at the same time, I don't want him thinking that I'm willing to travel for a date. As far as the bible thumper goes, I haven't said anything to him yet cuz I winked him first. If I say thanks but no thanks now, I'll look like a hypocrite. But I swear the religious stuff that's on his profile now, wasn't on there when I winked him. Don't know why it wasn't there before. But I kind of have a sneaking suspicion that he's going to try to convert me to whatever his religion is. And I really don't want to go there. So he's just kind of sitting in limbo.

In order to qualify for the six month guarantee, I have to keep my profile visible, include a picture with my profile, and send at least 5 emails a month. I am on day 19 of 30 of month 1. I have met all of the requirements this month. And every day, they send me 5 new matches that I have to go through. I have to say yes, no or maybe on all my daily matches. Most of the matches they send me, I say no to. And they are basing my matches on a questionnaire I had to fill out upon registering with them. Either I answered the questions wrong, or they don't really use that method. Incidentally, the phone sex guy matched me 100%. Go figure.

42 people have viewed my profile 82 times so far. There are no new matches for me today. So tomorrow, or the next day ... when I get the new matches, I'll blog about the matches they give me, to give you an idea of what I'm weeding through. Let's have this experience together!

Raising a teenager is not so easy after all!

Being a Mom is not the easiest job in the world, especially if you have more than one child. Having to deal with more than one personality type, and trying to figure out what will work with each type, is kind of like learning to be a mother all over again, for each child. What works for one, will not work for another. And then, they start becoming teenagers!

When I started having children, at first I thought I was only going to have one. When I remarried and realized I was going to be having more, I made the conscience decision to space them at least 5 years apart. My middle child, in birth as in life, didn't want to cooperate and didn't make it an even 5,5,5... He's off by one year. But there are 10 years and 10 days between the first and the last. It wasn't until I had the last child (my third) that I realized from the birth of the first to the 18th birthday of the last, I will have had children in my home for 28 years and thought, "what was I thinking?" But now that I am dealing with my oldest, who is now 17 years old, I am once again glad that I chose to space them apart.

I believe that my mother cursed me when I was a teenager and she was at her wits end. She said to me, in a moment of frustration, "I hope when you have kids, you have all boys and they turn out worse than you and your brother!!!" With each pregnancy, hoping and praying for a girl but discovering that I was having a boy, I knew that my mother's curse was going to come to fruition. So, I've been bracing myself for the tough times that were sure to come.... because I remember what we were like as teenagers with me being the emotional one and my brother being the manipulative lying one, and I just knew I was going to be in trouble!!

My oldest, who has been in what is generally considered the troubled teen years for two years now, has not been much of a problem. In fact, he's been so easy to deal with, that for just a few moments, I thought maybe the curse wasn't going to be that bad. But alas, I was wrong. Turns out, he's just a late bloomer.

Apparently, he's in love. Of course, you and I know that this isn't true love... not yet. But he's so desperately in love that he wants to spend every spare moment with her. I mean, what teenage boy who has lost his heart wouldn't want to spend every spare moment with the person of his affections? The problem is that she lives on the other side of town... and I mean, waaaayyyyyy on the other side of town. When he takes the bus to see her, it takes him 2 to 3 hours to get there. Also, she's older than he is, and apparently has children. As a mother, my first instinct is to say no! I want to protect him from the fall that is inevitably coming. But as a student of Novus, I know that this experience is in his path for a reason and he needs to follow his path. Also, he's almost an adult and will have to go this alone very soon so I have to learn to let go. Trying to be a fair and reasonable mother, I tried to come to an agreement with him. I told him, if he could act like an adult, with adult responsibilities, then I would concede to letting him spend time with her as long as we don't have anything else on the schedule. He said he could agree to that.

Then, while I was at open house last night with the two younger boys, he texts me... "you said if I was going to sneak out I should just go out the front the door and I won't get into trouble." I immediately become suspicious. First of all, that's not at all what I said, but I understand that as a teenage boy, that's what he heard. Second, I have a good idea I know where he's going ... or where he wants to go. But, being of an open mind, I text back, "where are you going?" He texts, "Jenns." I blow a gasket! Now I have to call him because everything that I want to say will not fit into one text. Plus I can't type fast enough on a phone to satisfy my growing anger. The first thing out of my mouth is, "that's not a very adult decision, don't you think?" I ended the phone call with, "You are still my son, you are still a minor and I am still responsible for you. You are absolutely not going out tonight and we'll talk about it when I get home." Of course, I wasn't calm when I said it. As soon as I got home and walked in the door, I said, "What do you want me to do? Throw my hands up in the air and say okay whatever you want to do is okay with me? Cuz that's not gonna happen!" I won't go through the entire conversation, but I will say this: There was a lot of yelling (on my part), a lot of tears (on his part) and I found myself wishing my mother hadn't cursed me!

And all the while, I keep thinking, "I have to do this two more times???" Out loud what I said was, "THIS IS NOT FAIR!" I seem to recall having said that when I was a teenager. Talk about coming full circle!

Introspective

So I've been thinking a lot lately about me. Now that I am, for all intents and purposes, kid free, I have more time to take care of and think about me. And I'm not exactly sure why, but for some reason, I've been feeling really lonely lately.

I am not without friends who are, for the most part, available to hang out, chat, or whatever. But I guess being around my brother and his girlfriend has got me thinking about companionship, and my lack thereof. Although I am very happy being single, I think the mourning period for my lost relationship has finally begun. I've accepted that my marriage is over and he and I are moving on with our lives as individuals. We have become very good friends and can even go out as friends with no expectations. But there is a part of me that wishes there were expectations.

I mean, let's face it - as humans, we can live without sex, but who wants to, right? We can live without companionship, but are we really living? As long as we have friends, we tell ourselves, we will be okay. But there is a feeling as though something is missing. Sex, most certainly, but it's more than that. It's being close to someone emotionally; being able to lean on someone when you can't stand alone; having someone to make you feel safe all the time.

If I could find that one person who encompasses all the best of all my ex's without all the negatives, I would be a very happy woman! But I don't think such a creature exists. As a woman approaching 50 (it'll be here before I know it), I am no longer willing to compromise for someone who is lacking in any area that I find important. For instance, all of my ex's had one thing in common that, while it drove me crazy cuz I did not agree with their way of thinking, I was willing to overlook it because I wanted to be loved. What was that one thing? Their inability to look at people as people. All of them saw race, color, sex, religion, sexual orientation - and all of them felt it was their right to voice their opinions on said topics. None of which, by the way, agreed with my way of thinking. I don't judge; I am not bigoted or racist or prejudicial. All of them were, in one form or another. And now that I'm comfortable with who I am, I am no longer willing to overlook those "little" flaws. For one thing, I can't stand to listen to someone make a snide remark about a person simply because he or she is different. No matter what the difference is, that person deserves to be loved, not picked on or singled out or made fun of. I will no longer ignore the snide remarks or turn the other cheek. I'm more apt to speak up and say, "hey, wait a minute. That's not right and you shouldn't be saying things like that." And I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear that, especially if it's coming from the person with whom you are having a relationship.

But, seriously, I don't want to be in a relationship. I would just like to have someone with whom I can go out; someone to go to dinner or the movies or whatever. But someone with whom I can also have sex and have pillow talks. But that someone has to be a very open, very nice person, willing to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I don't want to be without companionship for the rest of my living days. But I don't think the person who I would be willing to settle down with exists. And that makes me a little sad. And a lot lonely.

To recycle or not to recycle

So up until last week, trash was trash. In Las Vegas, there is a recycling program. They will deliver to your house a red, a blue and a white crate. Each crate holds a different type of recyclable - one is for glass; one is for plastic; one is for aluminum cans. And then you have to remember when to put the crates out for recycling, cuz they only get picked up every other week.

When we moved into the house we are in now, there were no red, white and blue crates so we just threw everything into the trash. It seemed too much of a hassle to set aside a bag for all the cans we used, another one for the glass bottles, and yet another one for plastic and yet another one for paper products. We could have done that and then driven them down to the recycling center by ourselves, but who has that kind of time?

But now, our neighborhood has been selected by our trash company to participate in a new program. They delivered to our house, at no additional charge, two 96 gallon containers. One is for trash; the other is for recyclables. And there is no more sorting. All our recyclables go into the one container: plastic, glass, paper, cardboard, paperboard, aluminum. So because we no longer have to sort, I went out and purchased a separate container for the house so we can separate our trash from recyclables.

It's amazing how much of our trash was actually recyclable. The trash now goes out every other day and the recyclables have to go out twice a day on some days. Of course, the first couple of days, I was digging recyclables out of the trash cuz I couldn't get the guys to get the hang of it. So I taped the list that the rubbish company supplied to wall above the blue container and told the guys before they throw it in the trash can, check the list and make sure they're putting it in the correct container. Incidentally, I purchased a blue container (intended use is supposed to be a laundry hamper) so the boys will know that that is the recyclable container.

After just one week, everyone in the house is on-board! It feels really good to be a part of the solution to 'green' up our neighborhood!

More on Gnosticism

I have learned that there are a growing number of Gnostic teachings out there in the world. I subscribe to the Novus Spiritus philosophy. Basically, the reason for that is because it feels more like the truth than anything else I have read. And if something feels true, then we are more apt to comprehend and retain what we are learning.

I'd like to share some of the teachings that I get from Novus Spiritus as a study group leader. These teachings will give you some insight into what Gnosticism and Novus Spiritus are all about. You can then decide for yourselves if this is something about which you would like to learn.

From August 2008:
"We are taught through Novus philosophy that we are here on Earth to learn and grow spiritually. We learn and grow through the challenges that we face in life. These lessons are as individual as we are, and we chart these life lessons on the Other Side before we come into life.

Some of life's lessons are things that we learn simply through our experiences. Other lessons are elements of philosophies that we are exposed to during the course of our lives. For example, Novus Spiritus philosophy teaches us that God is not to be feared. We learn through Novus that God is a duality - male and female and they are our perfect loving parents. We also learn through Novus philosophy that we are not supposed to judge one another, but most importantly we are not supposed to judge ourselves. While these lessons may seem to be simple as we look at them on paper, living these lessons is another matter altogether."

From April 2008:
"Words have power, and attract things into our lives. Our subconscious mind is quite literal, and works to manifest what we express. For example, when our subconscious mind hears us saying things like 'give me a break,' or 'I'm sick and tired of...,' our subconscious interprets these statements as desires and works to make these statements a reality. As a result, we may break a limb, or become ill and fatigued. Our founder, Sylvia Browne, calls these phrases 'organ language' and tells us that we should be careful to make sure our words reflect our desires and goals. God does not bring about the difficult events in our life. We have charted these events as a way to learn life lessons."

From October 2008:
"Novus philosophy has given us a belief system that encourages us to have a personal relationship with Mother and Father God through prayer and meditation. Gnosticism is a religion not of blind faith, but of knowledge. We believe that we can all seek and find answers to life's questions, for ourselves, and that we can each experience God's unconditional and perfect love for ourselves.

As Gnostic Christians, we follow the teachings of Jesus Christ and use those teachings as a foundation for our search for truth and knowledge. We utilize the tools and information that we have been given by our Founder, Sylvia Browne and her Spirit Guides, in our search for truth and knowledge. Some people mistake these tools and the information we've been given as the answer. This is much like mistaking a road map for the final destination on our journey.

While the word Gnosis means knowledge, this knowledge is not simply a collection of facts and data. Gnosis is experiential knowledge of God. Saying we are Gnostics doesn't mean we believe we already possess full knowledge and understanding of God, but identifying as a Gnostic is a statement of a spiritual goal.

At Novus Spiritus, we gather together whether as Study Groups or at Sunday church services to join with each other in our collective search, to support one another and learn from each other in a loving environment that is free of sin, guilt and dogma. We know that God loves each and every one of us unconditionally."

Again, if you have any questions about Gnosticism, or about Novus Spiritus, I'll be happy to answer them.

God Bless You!

The Intimacy of Marriage

That's an interesting sentence, when you think about it. When you first read it, you might think it means the sexual intimacy that a couple share. But, the way I see it, there's much more to it than that. I've been married twice and have only experienced this in my first marriage. I don't think not having this intimacy hurt my second marriage in and of itself. But the lack of intimacy certainly didn't help anything.

Being intimate with your spouse is more than just making love. It's the sharing of yourself with your spouse that makes your marriage intimate. And by sharing, I mean sharing everything.... hopes, dreams, thoughts, friends, stories, pasts, childhoods, fears, doubts, pet peeves ... everything. I don't mean to say that you have to have everything in common or you have to do everything together, but being able to share your experiences with your spouse can be a very intimate experience.

My second husband lived by the philosophy that it's better to lie about small things than to be perfectly honest all the time. He also didn't believe in talking about his past, and therefore, didn't care if he never heard mine. I don't know what kind of a kid he was or if he had any fun when he was growing up, because he didn't share that part of himself with me. Oh, if I asked him specific questions, he would answer them - mostly truthfully. But he didn't volunteer any information about himself with me. I had to pry it out of him. Not very intimate.

So when I think about these couples that have had long marriages, I think they must have a good intimacy within their marriage. Because, having lived with someone who didn't know how to be intimate, I realized that it is an important part of a good marriage and if it's missing, the marriage will probably not end well - but it will definitely end.

Jobs

I got my first job the summer between my Junior and Senior years in high school. I had planned to go to college, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. So, while I have attended a couple of semesters of college, I never really made it to college. Instead, I've bounced around many different types of jobs, learning a lot about a lot, and loving every minute of it.

My first job was at Burger King, Home of the Whopper! (that's trademarked, btw) My dad bought me my first car - a 1974 Oldsmobile Omega, 4 door, nicknamed "The Beef Piece" - and I was told that I would pay for my own gas and my own insurance. That meant I had to get a job. I did not want to work fast food, so I applied at every grocery store within a 10 mile radius of my house. None of them ever called me in for an interview. A family friend was working at Burger King and told me he could get me a job there. I relented not because he could get me in but because my dad was threatening to take away my keys unless I got a job - any job. So, I went down there and I was hired on the spot.

I was so sure that I would not like that job. I did not look forward to working there my first full week. But, it didn't take long to learn to like it. By the time I'd been there six months, I had made a lot of friends - some of whom I kept for life. And I learned a lot there. Not just how to grill hamburgers or fry french fries, but I learned about people, and about business, and about child labor laws. That was really important. But most importantly, it was there that I began to learn who I was to become - I was learning more about me. I worked there a total of 15 months before I quit. And the only reason I quit was because we moved - an hour and a half away. Too far to commute. But more important than learning a lot was I had A LOT of fun while I worked here. I met so many new friends. I got some old friends jobs there. And we made that place a fun place to work. I'll always have fond memories of this job!

After getting settled in our new community, I began searching for another job but no one would hire me. My dad had to make my truck payments and was pestering me to get another job, so I finally started applying at Burger King. The closest ones, for whatever reason, would not hire me. I had worked with a manager at "my" Burger King who claimed he was there for training because his parents owned a franchise in Redlands. One day, my brother and I decided to drive to Redlands to see if we could find him. We did find the only Burger King in Redlands, but not my old manager. But while we were there, I applied for a job. And I got hired. Since nothing else was being offered, I took it. I drove 35 miles one-way to get to that job. I think I spent more on gas than I made on my paycheck. But I was working, and my dad was happy. I worked there for 7 months. It was not as fun as my first job and I was a little disillusioned.

While I was running my truck into the ground with my long commute, my Dad was vigilantly looking for other prospects for me. One day, he saw an ad in the local paper for a home-health aide/companion for an elderly lady. Since I had been certified as a nurse's aide and was enrolled in an EMT course at the community college, he thought I had a chance to be hired. So I applied for the job. The family of the elderly lady lived in Beverly Hills, so I had to write a letter and send a resume. It was the first time I didn't have to fill out an application for a job. My Interview was over the phone and apparently, I made a good impression with my medical background. Either that, or I was the most qualified applicant. Either way, I had a new job closer to home.

Her name was Paula and she was 85 years old. She had once been married to a man who made millions of dollars in the perfume industry. After he died, she married a man who squandered away her millions. When the bank account read less than one million, the second husband killed himself. He was in his 80s. After he died, her son and his wife stepped in and took over her finances. They sold the Beverly Hills home and moved her to Wrightwood. By this time, she wasn't cognizant of everything going on around her so there were no arguments. She was very complacent to let her son tell her what was going to happen. By the time I knew her, senility had already set in, and she was physically deteriorating. My job was to get her out of bed, feed her breakfast, get her bathed and dressed, take her on walks when she was able - push her in the wheelchair when she wasn't able to walk, take her to her doctors appointments, feed her lunch, and then, if she wanted to, she could watch one hour of television every day. Her son, George, was a teacher in the valley somewhere and had long commutes. He left the house every day before the sun came up and returned long after I left for the day. George's wife, Cynthia, told me that she was not going to take care of her mother-in-law, it was not her job. I would do that in George's absence. By the time I left at the end of my shift, George would be due to return within the hour, and Cynthia felt that was about as much time as she would spend keeping an eye on her mother-in-law. Obviously, there was no love lost there. I never did hear that story. I heard a lot of stories, but never from Paula. She very rarely spoke other than to say, "Thank you, Dear," or to ask for something specific like, "Do you have the time?" She was born in Holland, so was fluent in Dutch, Flemish, French and English. One day she asked me what time it was in all four languages before I understood her. One day, I asked her why she didn't talk to me. She said, "I've been talking for 85 years. I figure I've said all I have to say." She was a funny lady! Drama and boredom came with this job. It was one of my favorites. I lost this job when Paula passed away. I had known her for the last 15 months of her life.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do next. I had decided to take a vacation to visit my old stomping ground and see old friends. I stayed with my aunt, and while I was there, she told me that I could get a job where she worked. She was a telephone operator. I had never done that, so I applied. Because I was Paula's niece, I was hired on the spot. I went home and told my mom I found a job and I was moving out. I was 20 years old... it was time. So, just like that I became a telephone operator - oh excuse me - a Telereceptionist. I worked for an answering service. We answered the phones for business professionals whose work depended on after hours calls, like doctors, for instance. In fact, doctors offices were our most predominant customers. I did this for 8 years. (This is the longest I will ever hold a specific type of job, tho not always with the same employer.) My first employer was TAB Answering Service, who later became Alert Communications. I was able to work my way up in this job. I started at a grunt, or operator, answering phones on the swing shift - 3pm to 11pm. This was the busiest shift because offices typically closed at 5pm and we took over. I really loved this job! I guess that's why I did it for so long. Eventually, I became the evening supervisor, then the assistant manager, then the manager in charge of voice mail. Not long after I was hired, my Aunt was made assistant manager. When she retired, I was offered that position. I don't know for sure if it was because I was her niece or if it was because I had proven that I could do the job. Either way, I learned a lot as the assistant manager. I was in charge of scheduling employees hours and billing. That was fun. I only left that industry when I started my own company with my ex-sister-in-law, Shirley.

Before I get to our company, while I was still a Telereceptionist, my first husband and I had moved to Las Vegas. I was working at an answering service when one of our customers offered me a job. This was for a nurse staffing company, or nurses registry. They staffed local hospitals who were short of nurses with nurses who were willing to work the extra hours. Hospitals used the registries to avoid paying their staff overtime. Oftentimes, their staff would be the ones sent to work the shifts. But because they were sent by our company, they were no longer employed by the hospital and were, therefore, not paid overtime. I liked that job because I got to deal with the medical industry, to which I had always held an attraction. I left that job when we moved back to CA, where I got my job back at Alert.

With the advent of the automated system, the answering service industry began it's decline. The company I worked for had about 10 offices in the surrounding area. As customers canceled our service, the company began to close and combine offices. When they finally got to my office, I was moved to the nearest neighboring office. I was the assistant manager/voice mail manager at the time, but because the office I was moving to already had one of those, I was demoted. I received fewer hours. My check took a huge hit. I had gotten Shirley a job with Alert and when they closed our doors, she was let go. (Not everyone was given the opportunity to move with the company... there simply were not enough jobs.) So Shirley and I discussed it and decided to start our own business. We cleaned houses. It did not go well at first. We just didn't get enough calls. But then she learned of a program run by the state of CA where they (the state) would pay someone to do specific things for elderly and disabled persons. Her mother lived in a senior community and there were a lot of residents that were looking for someone to come and help them. So we started doing that. We started with her mother, of course. And her mother, who we called Mama, loved her daughter so much, that she told everyone about us and eventually we ended up with so many clients that we had to separate. She would take one floor while I took another. This wasn't my most favorite job, but I liked it because I got to see different people every day and I got to hear a lot of stories. My limited medical background came in handy with some of our clients. I had one lady who was diabetic and had arthritis so bad that she couldn't give herself her insulin injections... so I did it. I also took her blood pressure and tested her blood sugars every morning. I had Nicolas by then, so he stayed with Mama while Shirley and I roamed the building. Sometimes he would get to come with me. He was such a good helper - even at the age of 2. And the residents loved seeing him. Well, most of them anyway! With this job, we did everything from cleaning apartments and laundry to grocery shopping. Some clients were once a week, some were two or three times a week and some were daily. One elderly lady hired us to check on her every day. She had a tendency to fall and no one would find her for hours. So Shirley checked on her in the morning and I checked on her in the afternoon/evening before leaving the building. I did that for three years. I left this job when I moved to Las Vegas. Shirley had to give up some of our clients when I left. She kept those that she favored and those that received the most hours from the state. She had to give up those that required medical care cuz she didn't know how to do that - that was my area. She never took on any new clients, even when those that she had began to die. Eventually, she didn't have any clients left and moved to Oklahoma.

In Vegas, my first job was working as a casino porter. I cleaned the casino floor (and machines, and bathrooms, and ashtrays) on the graveyard shift. Because restaurants were closed and people were scarce, graveyard is where the deep cleaning gets done. We mopped and swept and vacuumed and dusted everything located inside a casino. And I mean everything. Next time you find yourself in a casino, look up! You will see things that will need to be cleaned. That's what I did. I did it for three years before I quit.

I was babysitting my mom's boss's daughters at the time I quit, so I just focused all my attention on being a good day care provider. It didn't take long to find a father who needed someone to watch his three sons. He had just found a job after being unemployed for some time, so I had a house full of kids for about a year. I had the sisters and the brothers plus Nicky. And, I found out I was pregnant with Tony. After Tony was born, the boys' father became a stay-at-home Dad again, so I lost them. Then, my husband thought I should go back to work to bring more money into the house. So I asked the girls' mom for more money (I was only charging her $75 a week to watch both girls) but she said she couldn't afford it. So I had to go find a job.

I applied for everything I thought I could do, and was eventually hired as a receptionist for a non-profit agency whose goal it was to educate low to middle class women to become self-employed, or business owners. There I learned everything there is to know about business plans, the difference between a micro-loan and a mini-loan. I worked with partners of the SBA, including the IRS. I learned a lot at this job. So much so that people would ask me if I know how to start my own business why didn't I? I would always say because I know what it takes to run a business. To become a business owner means to gamble that you will never have any money, no more paycheck, no more vacation days, no more sick days, no more pension fund, no more retirement, no more bonuses.... that business is all you. And if that business doesn't make any money, then you don't make any money. No thank you! I liked getting my paycheck. They were funded through government grants and had to be sponsored by a larger non-profit organization. I became the personal assistant to the CEO of the sponsoring non-profit and to the program director. I really liked this job and held it for two years. I lost this job when they lost their funding.

I had picked up a second job at Jack in the Box while working for the non-profit, so when I lost that job, I went full time with Jack in the Box. I took the management training course, and became an shift leader, with the goal of moving up into management. That didn't work out so well. I was bumped around the company until I landed at a store where the manager was not a nice person and eventually I quit because he wouldn't answer his phone or his pager when staff didn't show up for work, leaving me to cover shifts. I quit when he expected me to work a double shift the night before Thanksgiving and I was expecting 26 people at my house for Thanksgiving dinner and I was cooking!

Then I applied at Baja Fresh, where I was just a cashier, no management responsibilites and I liked that a lot. No expectations of covering shifts. I did that for two years. I quit when my mom and dad moved to Idaho. My mom was my baby sitter. I had three children by then. If I were to put them into daycare, I would have been working just to pay for the daycare. So my husband and I decided that I could be a full-time, stay-at-home Mom. I did that for three years.

Then my brother-in-law decided to start his own business, but didn't know anything about running or setting up an office. So he called me and I went to work as his office manager. It was a one person office, so I was it... I did everything from billing to accounts receivable, accounts payable, answer the phones, schedule the work, paperwork in the office... everything. It's a pool plumbing business, so I learned the ins and outs of building a swimming pool. Eventually, he expanded the business to include servicing and maintaining swimming pools, and when he needed an extra body in the field, I was asked if I would like to do that. I said yes.

So I went from being the office manager (for two years) to servicing swimming pools. I love this job the best. I work outdoors all day long - the first time in my life working outdoors. I don't have to call in "sick" on truly beautiful days because I get to experience the day all day. And it's a physical job that keeps me moving. The only job that ever did that for me was when I was a casino porter. I missed that part of that job, so am very glad to be physically moving again. This March, I will have been doing this for two years.

So there you have it.... my long list of jobs and the different types that I've had. I have learned so much from each of these jobs and I can say that I have enjoyed every single one of them. Sometimes, not knowing what you're going to do in life will open up doors to worlds you didn't even know existed. I've enjoyed this journey very much. And I look forward to what the future will bring me. I'm not done learning. I don't know how long I'll be doing what I'm doing now or what will come next... but I'm excited cuz I know whatever it is, I'll learn something else that I didn't already know.

What If . . .

I just finished watching the movie "17 Again" with Zac Efron and Matthew Perry. For those that haven't yet seen it, it's about a 17 year old boy who makes a decision that affects his entire life and for the next 20 years, he wonders if he made the right decision. He's given the opportunity to be 17 again to make the decision that he thought he should have made, only to discover that the original decision was the correct decision.

That got me to thinking about my own decisions that I've made throughout the years, and especially the ones I made when I was young. Wondering how different my life would be now if I had just made one decision differently. And then THAT got me to thinking about other movies with the same theme. And I began to realize that there are a lot of movies out there with this theme... where we wonder what our lives would have been like if we had made this one big decision differently. The reason there are so many of these movies out there, I believe, is because all of us - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - at one point or another wonders how different our lives would be if we could go back and do one thing, or many things, different.

These are known as the What If's. What if I hadn't broke up with him when I did? Would we still be together? Would we have gotten married? Would we have had children? Would we still be married? Would our life be wonderful? OR What if I had taken that job over this one? Would I be happier? Would I be making more money now? Where would I be now?

We can't live our lives with What If's. It will drive us crazy.

But one thing Gnosticism has taught me is that we make all those decisions for a reason. The reason is to keep us on the path which we set out to travel. If we had made any of those decisions differently, we wouldn't be on the paths that we're on.

Have you ever had a Deja vu moment? Of course you have. Everyone gets them. It's that moment when you're in a place doing a thing and suddenly you feel as though you've been there before, or you dreamt this before. Everything is exactly as you dreamed it or remembered it. This is God's way of telling you that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at exactly the moment and time and place that you're supposed to be doing it in. Essentially, that you are on the path that you and He chose for you. If you had made any decision differently, you wouldn't be on your path.

I recently reconnected with my very first boyfriend... the first boy to ever ask that ever so important question - "Will you be my girlfriend?" And of course, it got me to wondering. Got me asking, What if?

You see, this is the third time we've connected with one another. The first time, I met him over the CB radio. I know this is going to show my age, but it was during that time when CB's were the thing to have in your house and in your car. I supposed you could call it the first social networking site. Anyway, he was "The Doctor" and I was the "Bellflower Bubblegummer." He was not the only boy I met that summer, but he was the only one to ask that ever so important question. Our relationship didn't last long - less than a year, I think - because I broke up with him. (What if . . . I hadn't broken up with him then?)

Then, when I was 20, I was asked to accompany my roommate to a company Christmas dinner. She worked for a large Southern California bank (that no longer exists). While we were eating dinner, I saw him sitting next to his mom. He looked a little different, but I was sure that it was him. I leaned over to my roommate and asked her if she knew him. She did not, but she knew his mother cuz she worked with her. I asked her what her name was, and she couldn't pronounce the last name, but that was all I needed to hear. I walked over to him and said hello. That began a short lived reconnection. This time, however, we were not boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz he never asked me again to be his girlfriend. We did go out on friendly dates when either of us got lonely. (Kind of what I'm looking for now, actually.) But then I met my first husband and said goodbye to my first boyfriend . . . again. (What if . . . I hadn't said yes to the marriage proposal?)

This last time, I found him on facebook. He's been married now for 18 years to the same woman and has two beautiful daughters. And of course, I wonder what if. . . But knowing what I know now, I believe that we are supposed to be a part of each others lives, just not in the capacity to which we attempted. I think we were meant to be friends, but not spouses. And having that belief in my heart has helped me to see him in a whole new light. He is a wonderful friend and someone with whom I like to talk. I don't know if we would have made it had he ever asked me to marry him (which he never did, by the way. Although he did give me a promise ring when we were 15 years old. I never held him to that promise - obviously.). Ultimately, I can't change what never was, and I can't dwell on the past. So I have to move forward with what I have been lucky enough to receive - a great friend! And I'm glad that we can be a part of each other's lives.

It's okay to wonder what if... as long as you don't drive yourself crazy with it.

The Quest for Love

If you are one of the lucky few, you will have found your one and only, your true love, your "soul mate" and have been with him or her for a really long time with no plans to go anywhere. Your search, or quest as I like to call it, for love has a very happy ending.

On the other hand, if you are like me, you have been searching for love for a very long time. There may have been times when you thought you found it, but discovered at some point that what you found was not true love but something you invented with the hope of being happy.

I realize that I am only 43 years old and have not lived long enough to have a wisdom about anything. However, as an observer of life, I have noticed that some of us, maybe even most of us, are constantly searching for "true" love. But our requisites for a life partner change through the years. As we get older, and as we discard those that don't live up to our expectations, our ideals for our perfect mate change.

When we are very young, our idea of true love comes from the fairy tale stories to which we are subjected. Especially if your parents' love lives didn't feel or look like what you were reading about in the stories. If you grew up in a very loving environment, you probably wanted to duplicate that environment when you became a wife or husband and had children. If, however, your home life wasn't quite so idealistic in the love area, you probably created in your imagination something that was the opposite of what you were living. In either case, whatever you imagined when you were very young probably did not last very long.

In our teen years, our eyes open a little wider to the world around us. The rose-colored lenses of childhood begin to fade and we begin to form real-life opinions of the world around us. We temporarily forget about our idealized goal of marriage and/or children as our hormones begin to rage and focus our attentions, instead, on just finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. We want to be validated in the eyes of our friends and to be perceived as normal as possible. If we are unable to secure a boy/girlfriend, we begin to think that there is something wrong with us... Why can't I get a boy/girlfriend, we think? What's wrong with me? Some of us will go through many, many different relationships, presumably to "test the waters." Most of us won't find our ideal love in our teen years because we don't yet know what that is. Some of us, however, will figure it out during that same period and will find the person with whom they will spend the rest of their lives. They are the lucky few.

As your teen years turn into your 20s, if you have not found your life partner, you will go one of two ways: you will either decide to get as many men/women into your bed before seriously searching for that one with which you will want to settle down; or you will immediately begin your search for serious love.

In the first case, you throw all ideals of a mate out the window and decide you are just going to have fun. Fuck it! (literally and figuratively.) You no longer care what qualities a potential partner can bring into a relationship, but focus instead on what physical qualities attract you to him/her. This can have an advantage in the end if you are observant. With each partner, you will begin to take note of what qualities he or she has that are attractive to you in non-physical ways. For instance, you may discover that you like the person that cleans up after him/herself, but not the person who becomes obsessive about cleanliness. And without even realizing it, you are cataloging in your head all the qualities you want in your life partner. If you're lucky, you will find all of those qualities in one person right about the time you are ready to settle down.

If you have decided to immediately begin your search for true love, you will seriously date each potential mate, maybe even living with one or more of your boy/girlfriends. But you will, in reality, end up doing exactly what the person in scenario one is doing - cataloging traits. However, because you are dating seriously, you are not seeing a lot of people. Probably one or two over the period of a decade. In this instance, the traits that you are cataloging are the negative ones. You are making mental note of what you DON'T want in a life partner. If you are lucky, you will find someone who has the least amount of negative traits (or someone who is willing to work on his/hers) by the time you are ready to settle down.

Wanting to end your search for the perfect mate in your 20s, you probably settled for someone who came as close as you figured they would get to what you think is your ideal mate. If you are extremely lucky, you'll stay together "til death do you part." Most of us who married in our 20s have already gotten divorced, having discovered our partner wasn't even close to what we really wanted. We then begin to realize that we weren't really in-love with the person to whom we committed ourselves, but were so sure that we were ready to begin our idealized life of marriage and children, we took the leap with the wrong person. There are a few who decide to not take the plunge of marriage in their 20s and continue their quest for their Mr./Mrs. Right.

Whether you were married and then divorced or remained single through your 20s, your perception of love and a life mate change when you get into your 30s. You are growing up now. You feel like an adult for the first time. You are maturing in your thought process as well as your actions. You realize that relationships require work and your search begins to take a different approach. You begin to look for someone who is willing to work with you and has similar life goals. If you're lucky, you will find that someone. And you will fall in love, probably for the first time. You will decide to take that final step and you will get married. You will believe that you have found true love. And perhaps you have. You will have children and will relish your role as a wife and mother, or husband and father. Your relationship will have ups and downs, but you realize that it is normal. If you are lucky, your relationship will last regardless of the fights and quarrels, because you are working at it. You learn that compromise is part of the equation, and you are willing to compromise. Life, for the most part, feels right because you have love.

If you are not lucky by the time you reach your 40s, you either did not find the one who is willing to work with you for a lifetime and never got married, or, if you did get married, one of you will stop working at the relationship. If the last scenario describes your life, you will divorce because you realize that when one of you stops working at the relationship, the relationship stops working. When that happens, everyone in the family becomes miserable with the home life and something has to change. You might seek counseling to fix it. Sometimes that works. Sometimes, the one that quit working at the relationship will refuse to go to counseling if it's requested. In any case, it either works or it doesn't. And your perception of love changes yet again. In your 40s, usually you have decided that you are where you are and that's where you'll stay, whether your married or divorced or never have been married. You have reached that age where you are completely comfortable with who you are and how life works. You realize that there is still a lot of lessons to be learned, but you now know in what areas of your life you are willing to compromise and which areas you are not. You think you know definitively what you want in a partner. If you have it, great. If not, you will no longer settle for anything less.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married and have two children - a boy and a girl - by the time I was 25. I wanted the ideal homelife - a husband to take care of me and my children. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and raise my children in a loving environment. When I was in high school, I just wanted a boyfriend. I wasn't looking for that one guy to spend the rest of my life with... just someone to ask me out and say he was my boyfriend. I never found that at school. The boy who did become my boyfriend went to a different school, which meant I saw him very little. Being so very young, I was also very stupid and I broke up with him after only months of dating. I never had another boyfriend in my teens; therefore, I was very unhappy. I thought that not having a boyfriend meant that I wasn't worthy of love. I was positive I would never find anyone to love me.

In my 20s, I took the "fuck it" attitude and began sleeping with whomever would sleep with me. Eventually, I figured, I would find someone who was willing to settle down with me. And I did. I ended up marrying the first man who asked me to marry him. By the time he asked me, I was positive that no one would ever ask me. So I thought I was in love with him, because he asked me to marry him. We were together for 4 years when I realized that I was not in love with the man and I was done with that relationship. I left him, and went back to the "fuck it" attitude. I ended up getting pregnant and had my first child at 26. The man who impregnated me didn't hang around long enough to learn of my pregnancy. He got what he wanted and was out of there. (Apparently, he also had the "fuck it" attitude.) Although technically still married to husband #1, I was a single mom. I filed for divorce before my son's first birthday. And, because I was now a mother, I stopped "dating" altogether. I concentrated on raising my son. And with him in my life, I felt complete and whole because I had found, for the first time, unconditional love. I was content to raise him by myself knowing that he loved me, and I loved him, no matter what. As he got older and became more independent, I realized that I was missing something: companionship.... and sex. So, I started the search for a husband for me, and a father for my son. When I first met husband #2, I didn't know he would be the one who would be my husband... he was just a fun guy to go out with. But in less than two weeks, I knew he was the one with whom I was supposed to spend my life. We were married six weeks after we met. Our marriage was very tumultuous in the beginning. I had some hard lessons to learn. But eventually, things calmed down and shortly after our first anniversary, I learned I was pregnant with my second child, his first. Our marriage worked for about 7 years. Then something in him changed. It was just after the birth of our second son together (my third child) that he snapped. He just decided he was done working at the relationship. So I left. He was in his late 40s. I was in my late 30's. We have since become friends again and can work together in raising our children, but we will no longer be a couple.

Through those two relationships, and the numerous non-relationships that I've had, I have learned what I DON'T want, and for which I am no longer willing to settle. First of all, while I still have young children to raise, and as long as their father is a part of their lives, I will not have a serious relationship. I don't want a boyfriend with whom my ex can find fault and pick fights. I don't want my children feeling as though they are not number one in my life. I don't want complication or drama beyond what I already have. Things are running very smoothly right now and I like that a lot.

But I do miss the companionship of a man (sex) and feeling as though I am worthy of being loved. Ultimately, I miss being loved. I have the love of my children, the love of my family, and the love of my friends - all of which are fulfilling in their own rights. But it's that love of a partner that is lacking. At my age, I know realistically that it may not be possible to find it anymore. So what I'd really like is to find someone who realizes that I will not compromise my life for him and is willing to be someone to go out with once in awhile and maybe have sex with every now and again. But it has to be someone who shares common likes and dislikes. Someone who thinks along the same lines that I do. Someone with whom I have something in common. And he has to be secure enough in himself to not be jealous of the time I am not giving him. Someone, basically, who is looking for the same thing that I'm looking for. Does that man even exist? I doubt it. Will I ever find love again? Only time will tell!

What is unconditional love and how do we find it?

That's a good question, actually. As a parent, I think it's easier to show our children unconditional love than it is to show, say, a spouse. Why is that?

I was talking to Nic just today about life and relationships. I tell him almost constantly, "A smart man learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns from other peoples mistakes." I asked him today if he understood what that meant. He said yes. I then went on to tell him that I hoped that by sharing some of my life experiences he could live a life that was less complicated than mine was. Realizing of course that he will have to make mistakes of his own, I hope that he takes the lessons and stories that I share with him and is able to use them to his advantage.

Nic has a girlfriend. They celebrated their 4 month anniversary just recently. I told him that I hoped they were still together at the end of the summer. Not that I want them to break up, but they will be apart this summer: he is going to Catalina to work the summer boy scout camp, and she is going to Europe for a few weeks. I told him this would be a good test for them, for their hearts, because absence can make the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind. If they can survive the summer, and find that they still love each other (if indeed they do love each other) and both stay faithful to the other, then they could have a lasting relationship. Nic seemed to understand that.

I and my estranged husband will be filing for divorce this year. It was inevitable. We knew it was coming. The only reason we never filed the paperwork was because of the insurance. As soon as the divorce were to become final, Nic and I would be taken off of his insurance. But now that he's been laid off and is losing the insurance, there will be no reason to stay married. But I'm okay with it. While I did love him once (very much so), that love is no longer there. Don't get me wrong; I still have love for him in my heart. He is, after all, the father of two of my children. But I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I asked him recently if he felt the same and he acknowledged that he did. He still felt something for me, as the mother to his children, but the feeling is no longer the same that he had when we were first married.

Why does that love die? I think it's because of the actions of the person, or persons, in the relationship. Love, I have discovered, is not an emotion but a choice. That being the case, if we can decided to fall in love, then we can decide to fall out of love. With my first marriage, I was more in love with the idea of getting married than I was in love with the man I was marrying. Obviously, there was some kind of love there; otherwise, I never would have married him. But that love had to grow over time. He asked me to marry him after we'd been together for a very short time - less than 2 or 3 months, I believe. I told him no in the beginning. I said no because when I asked him why he wanted to marry me, he said it was because he thought it would work. The words, "Because I love you," never came out of his mouth. So, I suggested living together instead. In less than a year of living together, love grew inside of me. But it wasn't the same kind of love that I experienced when I met my 2nd husband. At the time, of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't truly in love with the man: I wouldn't know that for a long time after the divorce. But I was young and a romantic and in love with the idea of falling in love. So, naturally, I thought I had found it. But it didn't take long to figure out that while he thought we could work, it wasn't working. And once it stopped working, I stopped working. Every relationship, whether it be a spousal relationship or a friendship, requires a certain amount of work from both parties in order to succeed. If I haven't learned anything else, I have learned that over the years.

So I divorced number one, and moved to Vegas where I met number two. I can't say the love I felt for him was instantaneous, but it presented itself really early on. Within a week, I knew that this was the man with whom I was supposed to share my life. I didn't know for how long: I just knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was supposed to be with him. We were married 6 weeks after our first date. We had a bumpy, tumultuous relationship from the word go. This one required a lot of work. But we were both willing to put in the effort and it worked. For about 8 years. Then something changed. He changed. For some unknown reason, he decided he didn't want to work anymore at the relationship. Once that happened, it was over. I tried. Lord knows I tried. But he just gave up. So I left. To this day, I still don't know why he stopped working at it. I don't think he knows himself. It was just one of those things. But while I was still trying to get it to work, I remember I was so frustrated because he was making my life miserable, but I was still in love with him. It was that love that kept me there so long. I should have left much earlier than I did... but I was still in love with the asshole. (And believe me, he was - and still is - an asshole.)

After I left, it didn't take long for that love to die. Some of that is attributed to his attitude and treatment of me during those first six months after I left. Some of it is because I just didn't want to be in love with him anymore. I was tired of being treated like shit. I was tired of being stepped on. So, I killed that love that kept us together for 9 years. It was much easier dealing with him without that love hanging onto my heart.

So then, what is unconditional love? After having gone through both marriages, and now two divorces, I can say that I have experienced unconditional love. It's when you love the person with whom you are with unequivocally, through and through, without conditions. You accept them for who they are, flaws and all, without complaint, without trying to change them. You accept everything about them and everything they give you without question and without complaint. The second you add any of the negatives into the equation (the opposites of everything that I have just mentioned i.e., you start finding fault in everything they do; you question every decision and then complain about every little thing; you put conditions on your love), you know that the unconditional love is gone and that relationship is no longer the same. If you've never felt any of the positives, then you've never experienced unconditional love.

How do I know I have experienced unconditional love? Because I married an alcoholic. In the beginning of our marriage, I tried to get him to stop drinking. When that didn't work, I had to figure out if I loved him enough to learn how to live with his condition, or if I was going to leave. For the first year, I tried to get him to quit... the more I tried, the more he drank. Once I accepted that his alcoholism was a disease and he had no control over it, and I accepted him for who he was without condition, his drinking slowed to a minimum. Because I showed him a love that he had not ever felt before, he worked at making our lives more tolerable. (BTW, that wasn't the reason I left him.)

With Valentine's Day coming up, I realize that I sometimes miss that feeling of being in love. But I'm too old now to go looking for new love. New love is addicting, I'll grant you that. But with new love also comes complication and drama. At 43, I know that I no longer want complication and drama in my life. Right now, I'm comfortable with who I am, where I am, and how I live my life. If I were to go find new love, all of that would change. Upheaval and compromise, and everything that goes with being in a relationship..... No thank you.

What I really want is someone with whom I can spend some quality time... someone with whom I have something in common... someone who has his own residence and will take me out once in a while and then go home without expectations, without conditions, without drama, without complication. Will I ever find that? I seriously doubt it. So, I'll settle for a fuck buddy! LOL

What is Gnosticism?

I discovered Gnosticism quite by accident. I didn't even know it existed until I was reading a book written by my favorite psychic, Sylvia Browne. I had watched her on television for years and when I learned that she had written a book about being a psychic, I wanted to read it. My sister got me the book for my birthday and I enjoyed the read. In it, Sylvia talks about God and Heaven, which she calls the Other Side, along with some other stuff that I'll get into later. I became very curious about what she wrote because it felt very . . . right. At the end of the book, there was some information on study groups that she had formed and I inquired. Everything I have learned about and from the Novus Spiritus group feels right to me. I'll explain that in detail later.

Gnosticism, in a nutshell, is defined as seeking truth and knowledge. Therefore, Gnostic Christians are seekers of truth and knowledge while following the example of Christ. What you are about to read may sound far-fetched to you. That's okay. One thing I have learned in these studies is you cannot convince someone who does not want to be convinced. And that's okay. I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I'm just giving you an insight into what I've learned and what I believe to be, if not the truth, then the closest thing to the truth that I've ever heard.

Having said that, if you do not read this, I will completely understand. What I don't want is someone commenting or writing to me that I am wrong or a blasphemer. Because I am not. I don't want to start a religious debate into which religion is right and which is wrong. That's not my intention here. However, if you are curious and have an open mind, you just might find this interesting.

Gnostics believe that there is a duality in Heaven; i.e., there is a Father God (who's name is Om), and a Mother God (who's name is Azna). It is written in the beginning of the book of Genesis, "Let us make man in our image." If God made man in his image, and then made woman, does it not stand to reason that there is a male and a female in Heaven? "Let US make man in OUR image." Then God said in order for man to multiply, he must couple with a woman. "Let US make man in OUR image." Think about it for just a moment. When we are born, we have a mother and a father. Doesn't it stand to reason that when we are born into Heaven, we would have a mother and a father? It makes perfect sense to me!

Father God is the immovable mover without emotion; the beginning and the end; has always been and will always be. He cannot take a form and cannot, therefore, experience life on this planet, except through us. Mother God, on the other hand, has emotion and can take a form; therefore, she is the one who watches over us from our level - here on this planet. When you pray to God, even tho you may say "Father God," it's Mother God who is usually listening. Mother God answers most of the prayers. She is more able to manipulate circumstances and outcomes in our lives. Even though she doesn't get the recognition she deserves, she is getting more now than she has in a very, very long time. You see, it was once commonplace for people to pray to Mother God and Father God. But then the Catholic church was formed and to get more power over the people, they took the feminine principal out of the teachings, and out of the Bible. It made the women of the time more inferior to the men and the men were then better able to manipulate the women to do their bidding. You see, people were not educated back then. What knowledge they were able to garner came mostly from the church. And the church controlled how much knowledge their people received by reading to them the rules and laws of God and the land. I could go into so much more details to show how the Bible was manipulated to give the church more power but that's not why I'm writing this. So let me move on....

Gnostics do not believe there is a hell. We do not believe that God condemns some people to a place called hell. We believe that we are, right now at this very moment, in hell. We believe that God is an all-loving God with no vengeance, hatred, anger. Those are human emotions that we have placed upon God. (Again, it goes back to the church wanting control over their people.) God knows only LOVE. We were created out of love. They had such an abundance of love that it could not contain itself and souls were created. For a long time, we (the souls) lived in Heaven with our mother and our father but we didn't learn a whole of anything and we began to ask questions. So they made it possible for us to learn. We are born of this place with a specific purpose: to learn and experience for God. We experience what the Father cannot. Then, when we die and return home, we take with us what we have experienced and what we have learned and we share it with Him. And because He loves us, He doesn't make us come here alone. He gives us guides and angels to protect us while we are here. Well, our angels protect us, our guides help us to stay on our chosen paths.

Gnostics believe that we have lived many lives on this planet and that we are on our last lives here. We have incarnated - or reincarnated - many times. Why? To learn, of course. This is basically what happens (not exactly, but you'll get the basic idea): Before you are born into this world, you go to God and say to Him, "God, I would like to have a new experience from which to learn." God says, "Okay. What would you like to learn and/or experience?" The two of you confer over what you have already learned and what you would like to do differently. Perhaps you were once a rich, white woman who owned slaves. So maybe this time around, you would like to know what it would feel like to be a poor, black man. This is just an example, you understand? So together you and God lay out what experiences you'd like to have while you are here. When it's all written out, God says, "Are you sure this is what you want?" You say YES. So he asks you to sign a contract that says you will complete your mission as written. (By the way, you write in EVERY LITTLE THING you will experience, including who your parents will be.) Then you are born and you live your life, or follow the path that you have set. Then when you die and go back home, you go into a room where you review that path. Once you have reviewed it, you get to talk to God about what you did and what you learned. After you discuss it, God says, "You have done well, my child. Would you like to do that again?" And you can say yes or you can say no. It's your decision. And because life at Home (on the Other Side) is so perfect and beautiful, oftentimes we will write for ourselves some pretty horrific experiences. Our guides stay with us during our entire stay here to help us stay on our mission, on our path. Our guides, by the way, are very close friends on the other side. Someone whom we trust and with whom we have made an agreement. And they never go away - EVER. They are bound to us for our entire stay. Because we can't see him or her, your guide will usually communicate to you through dreams, intuition, and/or that little voice inside your head helping you to make a decision - you know, the one you usually ignore. Our Angels don't communicate with us; they just keep a watchful eye on us and will step in to protect us in extreme situations. Those stories you read about or hear about where someone "saw" an angel... they probably did.

Anyway, there's so much more to say but I'm out of time. However, I don't want to leave you with unanswered questions, as I'm sure you have them. If you didn't before, you do now! Please feel free to email me any questions you might have about Gnosticism. I will do my best to answer them. I will not, however, respond to any emails telling me that I'm wrong, that I'm being misled, etc. If you have an honest question, or are curious to know more, I'm more than happy to share what I know!

God Bless You and Love You
I do!