That's an interesting sentence, when you think about it. When you first read it, you might think it means the sexual intimacy that a couple share. But, the way I see it, there's much more to it than that. I've been married twice and have only experienced this in my first marriage. I don't think not having this intimacy hurt my second marriage in and of itself. But the lack of intimacy certainly didn't help anything.
Being intimate with your spouse is more than just making love. It's the sharing of yourself with your spouse that makes your marriage intimate. And by sharing, I mean sharing everything.... hopes, dreams, thoughts, friends, stories, pasts, childhoods, fears, doubts, pet peeves ... everything. I don't mean to say that you have to have everything in common or you have to do everything together, but being able to share your experiences with your spouse can be a very intimate experience.
My second husband lived by the philosophy that it's better to lie about small things than to be perfectly honest all the time. He also didn't believe in talking about his past, and therefore, didn't care if he never heard mine. I don't know what kind of a kid he was or if he had any fun when he was growing up, because he didn't share that part of himself with me. Oh, if I asked him specific questions, he would answer them - mostly truthfully. But he didn't volunteer any information about himself with me. I had to pry it out of him. Not very intimate.
So when I think about these couples that have had long marriages, I think they must have a good intimacy within their marriage. Because, having lived with someone who didn't know how to be intimate, I realized that it is an important part of a good marriage and if it's missing, the marriage will probably not end well - but it will definitely end.
25 February 2010
20 February 2010
Jobs
I got my first job the summer between my Junior and Senior years in high school. I had planned to go to college, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. So, while I have attended a couple of semesters of college, I never really made it to college. Instead, I've bounced around many different types of jobs, learning a lot about a lot, and loving every minute of it.
My first job was at Burger King, Home of the Whopper! (that's trademarked, btw) My dad bought me my first car - a 1974 Oldsmobile Omega, 4 door, nicknamed "The Beef Piece" - and I was told that I would pay for my own gas and my own insurance. That meant I had to get a job. I did not want to work fast food, so I applied at every grocery store within a 10 mile radius of my house. None of them ever called me in for an interview. A family friend was working at Burger King and told me he could get me a job there. I relented not because he could get me in but because my dad was threatening to take away my keys unless I got a job - any job. So, I went down there and I was hired on the spot.
I was so sure that I would not like that job. I did not look forward to working there my first full week. But, it didn't take long to learn to like it. By the time I'd been there six months, I had made a lot of friends - some of whom I kept for life. And I learned a lot there. Not just how to grill hamburgers or fry french fries, but I learned about people, and about business, and about child labor laws. That was really important. But most importantly, it was there that I began to learn who I was to become - I was learning more about me. I worked there a total of 15 months before I quit. And the only reason I quit was because we moved - an hour and a half away. Too far to commute. But more important than learning a lot was I had A LOT of fun while I worked here. I met so many new friends. I got some old friends jobs there. And we made that place a fun place to work. I'll always have fond memories of this job!
After getting settled in our new community, I began searching for another job but no one would hire me. My dad had to make my truck payments and was pestering me to get another job, so I finally started applying at Burger King. The closest ones, for whatever reason, would not hire me. I had worked with a manager at "my" Burger King who claimed he was there for training because his parents owned a franchise in Redlands. One day, my brother and I decided to drive to Redlands to see if we could find him. We did find the only Burger King in Redlands, but not my old manager. But while we were there, I applied for a job. And I got hired. Since nothing else was being offered, I took it. I drove 35 miles one-way to get to that job. I think I spent more on gas than I made on my paycheck. But I was working, and my dad was happy. I worked there for 7 months. It was not as fun as my first job and I was a little disillusioned.
While I was running my truck into the ground with my long commute, my Dad was vigilantly looking for other prospects for me. One day, he saw an ad in the local paper for a home-health aide/companion for an elderly lady. Since I had been certified as a nurse's aide and was enrolled in an EMT course at the community college, he thought I had a chance to be hired. So I applied for the job. The family of the elderly lady lived in Beverly Hills, so I had to write a letter and send a resume. It was the first time I didn't have to fill out an application for a job. My Interview was over the phone and apparently, I made a good impression with my medical background. Either that, or I was the most qualified applicant. Either way, I had a new job closer to home.
Her name was Paula and she was 85 years old. She had once been married to a man who made millions of dollars in the perfume industry. After he died, she married a man who squandered away her millions. When the bank account read less than one million, the second husband killed himself. He was in his 80s. After he died, her son and his wife stepped in and took over her finances. They sold the Beverly Hills home and moved her to Wrightwood. By this time, she wasn't cognizant of everything going on around her so there were no arguments. She was very complacent to let her son tell her what was going to happen. By the time I knew her, senility had already set in, and she was physically deteriorating. My job was to get her out of bed, feed her breakfast, get her bathed and dressed, take her on walks when she was able - push her in the wheelchair when she wasn't able to walk, take her to her doctors appointments, feed her lunch, and then, if she wanted to, she could watch one hour of television every day. Her son, George, was a teacher in the valley somewhere and had long commutes. He left the house every day before the sun came up and returned long after I left for the day. George's wife, Cynthia, told me that she was not going to take care of her mother-in-law, it was not her job. I would do that in George's absence. By the time I left at the end of my shift, George would be due to return within the hour, and Cynthia felt that was about as much time as she would spend keeping an eye on her mother-in-law. Obviously, there was no love lost there. I never did hear that story. I heard a lot of stories, but never from Paula. She very rarely spoke other than to say, "Thank you, Dear," or to ask for something specific like, "Do you have the time?" She was born in Holland, so was fluent in Dutch, Flemish, French and English. One day she asked me what time it was in all four languages before I understood her. One day, I asked her why she didn't talk to me. She said, "I've been talking for 85 years. I figure I've said all I have to say." She was a funny lady! Drama and boredom came with this job. It was one of my favorites. I lost this job when Paula passed away. I had known her for the last 15 months of her life.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do next. I had decided to take a vacation to visit my old stomping ground and see old friends. I stayed with my aunt, and while I was there, she told me that I could get a job where she worked. She was a telephone operator. I had never done that, so I applied. Because I was Paula's niece, I was hired on the spot. I went home and told my mom I found a job and I was moving out. I was 20 years old... it was time. So, just like that I became a telephone operator - oh excuse me - a Telereceptionist. I worked for an answering service. We answered the phones for business professionals whose work depended on after hours calls, like doctors, for instance. In fact, doctors offices were our most predominant customers. I did this for 8 years. (This is the longest I will ever hold a specific type of job, tho not always with the same employer.) My first employer was TAB Answering Service, who later became Alert Communications. I was able to work my way up in this job. I started at a grunt, or operator, answering phones on the swing shift - 3pm to 11pm. This was the busiest shift because offices typically closed at 5pm and we took over. I really loved this job! I guess that's why I did it for so long. Eventually, I became the evening supervisor, then the assistant manager, then the manager in charge of voice mail. Not long after I was hired, my Aunt was made assistant manager. When she retired, I was offered that position. I don't know for sure if it was because I was her niece or if it was because I had proven that I could do the job. Either way, I learned a lot as the assistant manager. I was in charge of scheduling employees hours and billing. That was fun. I only left that industry when I started my own company with my ex-sister-in-law, Shirley.
Before I get to our company, while I was still a Telereceptionist, my first husband and I had moved to Las Vegas. I was working at an answering service when one of our customers offered me a job. This was for a nurse staffing company, or nurses registry. They staffed local hospitals who were short of nurses with nurses who were willing to work the extra hours. Hospitals used the registries to avoid paying their staff overtime. Oftentimes, their staff would be the ones sent to work the shifts. But because they were sent by our company, they were no longer employed by the hospital and were, therefore, not paid overtime. I liked that job because I got to deal with the medical industry, to which I had always held an attraction. I left that job when we moved back to CA, where I got my job back at Alert.
With the advent of the automated system, the answering service industry began it's decline. The company I worked for had about 10 offices in the surrounding area. As customers canceled our service, the company began to close and combine offices. When they finally got to my office, I was moved to the nearest neighboring office. I was the assistant manager/voice mail manager at the time, but because the office I was moving to already had one of those, I was demoted. I received fewer hours. My check took a huge hit. I had gotten Shirley a job with Alert and when they closed our doors, she was let go. (Not everyone was given the opportunity to move with the company... there simply were not enough jobs.) So Shirley and I discussed it and decided to start our own business. We cleaned houses. It did not go well at first. We just didn't get enough calls. But then she learned of a program run by the state of CA where they (the state) would pay someone to do specific things for elderly and disabled persons. Her mother lived in a senior community and there were a lot of residents that were looking for someone to come and help them. So we started doing that. We started with her mother, of course. And her mother, who we called Mama, loved her daughter so much, that she told everyone about us and eventually we ended up with so many clients that we had to separate. She would take one floor while I took another. This wasn't my most favorite job, but I liked it because I got to see different people every day and I got to hear a lot of stories. My limited medical background came in handy with some of our clients. I had one lady who was diabetic and had arthritis so bad that she couldn't give herself her insulin injections... so I did it. I also took her blood pressure and tested her blood sugars every morning. I had Nicolas by then, so he stayed with Mama while Shirley and I roamed the building. Sometimes he would get to come with me. He was such a good helper - even at the age of 2. And the residents loved seeing him. Well, most of them anyway! With this job, we did everything from cleaning apartments and laundry to grocery shopping. Some clients were once a week, some were two or three times a week and some were daily. One elderly lady hired us to check on her every day. She had a tendency to fall and no one would find her for hours. So Shirley checked on her in the morning and I checked on her in the afternoon/evening before leaving the building. I did that for three years. I left this job when I moved to Las Vegas. Shirley had to give up some of our clients when I left. She kept those that she favored and those that received the most hours from the state. She had to give up those that required medical care cuz she didn't know how to do that - that was my area. She never took on any new clients, even when those that she had began to die. Eventually, she didn't have any clients left and moved to Oklahoma.
In Vegas, my first job was working as a casino porter. I cleaned the casino floor (and machines, and bathrooms, and ashtrays) on the graveyard shift. Because restaurants were closed and people were scarce, graveyard is where the deep cleaning gets done. We mopped and swept and vacuumed and dusted everything located inside a casino. And I mean everything. Next time you find yourself in a casino, look up! You will see things that will need to be cleaned. That's what I did. I did it for three years before I quit.
I was babysitting my mom's boss's daughters at the time I quit, so I just focused all my attention on being a good day care provider. It didn't take long to find a father who needed someone to watch his three sons. He had just found a job after being unemployed for some time, so I had a house full of kids for about a year. I had the sisters and the brothers plus Nicky. And, I found out I was pregnant with Tony. After Tony was born, the boys' father became a stay-at-home Dad again, so I lost them. Then, my husband thought I should go back to work to bring more money into the house. So I asked the girls' mom for more money (I was only charging her $75 a week to watch both girls) but she said she couldn't afford it. So I had to go find a job.
I applied for everything I thought I could do, and was eventually hired as a receptionist for a non-profit agency whose goal it was to educate low to middle class women to become self-employed, or business owners. There I learned everything there is to know about business plans, the difference between a micro-loan and a mini-loan. I worked with partners of the SBA, including the IRS. I learned a lot at this job. So much so that people would ask me if I know how to start my own business why didn't I? I would always say because I know what it takes to run a business. To become a business owner means to gamble that you will never have any money, no more paycheck, no more vacation days, no more sick days, no more pension fund, no more retirement, no more bonuses.... that business is all you. And if that business doesn't make any money, then you don't make any money. No thank you! I liked getting my paycheck. They were funded through government grants and had to be sponsored by a larger non-profit organization. I became the personal assistant to the CEO of the sponsoring non-profit and to the program director. I really liked this job and held it for two years. I lost this job when they lost their funding.
I had picked up a second job at Jack in the Box while working for the non-profit, so when I lost that job, I went full time with Jack in the Box. I took the management training course, and became an shift leader, with the goal of moving up into management. That didn't work out so well. I was bumped around the company until I landed at a store where the manager was not a nice person and eventually I quit because he wouldn't answer his phone or his pager when staff didn't show up for work, leaving me to cover shifts. I quit when he expected me to work a double shift the night before Thanksgiving and I was expecting 26 people at my house for Thanksgiving dinner and I was cooking!
Then I applied at Baja Fresh, where I was just a cashier, no management responsibilites and I liked that a lot. No expectations of covering shifts. I did that for two years. I quit when my mom and dad moved to Idaho. My mom was my baby sitter. I had three children by then. If I were to put them into daycare, I would have been working just to pay for the daycare. So my husband and I decided that I could be a full-time, stay-at-home Mom. I did that for three years.
Then my brother-in-law decided to start his own business, but didn't know anything about running or setting up an office. So he called me and I went to work as his office manager. It was a one person office, so I was it... I did everything from billing to accounts receivable, accounts payable, answer the phones, schedule the work, paperwork in the office... everything. It's a pool plumbing business, so I learned the ins and outs of building a swimming pool. Eventually, he expanded the business to include servicing and maintaining swimming pools, and when he needed an extra body in the field, I was asked if I would like to do that. I said yes.
So I went from being the office manager (for two years) to servicing swimming pools. I love this job the best. I work outdoors all day long - the first time in my life working outdoors. I don't have to call in "sick" on truly beautiful days because I get to experience the day all day. And it's a physical job that keeps me moving. The only job that ever did that for me was when I was a casino porter. I missed that part of that job, so am very glad to be physically moving again. This March, I will have been doing this for two years.
So there you have it.... my long list of jobs and the different types that I've had. I have learned so much from each of these jobs and I can say that I have enjoyed every single one of them. Sometimes, not knowing what you're going to do in life will open up doors to worlds you didn't even know existed. I've enjoyed this journey very much. And I look forward to what the future will bring me. I'm not done learning. I don't know how long I'll be doing what I'm doing now or what will come next... but I'm excited cuz I know whatever it is, I'll learn something else that I didn't already know.
My first job was at Burger King, Home of the Whopper! (that's trademarked, btw) My dad bought me my first car - a 1974 Oldsmobile Omega, 4 door, nicknamed "The Beef Piece" - and I was told that I would pay for my own gas and my own insurance. That meant I had to get a job. I did not want to work fast food, so I applied at every grocery store within a 10 mile radius of my house. None of them ever called me in for an interview. A family friend was working at Burger King and told me he could get me a job there. I relented not because he could get me in but because my dad was threatening to take away my keys unless I got a job - any job. So, I went down there and I was hired on the spot.
I was so sure that I would not like that job. I did not look forward to working there my first full week. But, it didn't take long to learn to like it. By the time I'd been there six months, I had made a lot of friends - some of whom I kept for life. And I learned a lot there. Not just how to grill hamburgers or fry french fries, but I learned about people, and about business, and about child labor laws. That was really important. But most importantly, it was there that I began to learn who I was to become - I was learning more about me. I worked there a total of 15 months before I quit. And the only reason I quit was because we moved - an hour and a half away. Too far to commute. But more important than learning a lot was I had A LOT of fun while I worked here. I met so many new friends. I got some old friends jobs there. And we made that place a fun place to work. I'll always have fond memories of this job!
After getting settled in our new community, I began searching for another job but no one would hire me. My dad had to make my truck payments and was pestering me to get another job, so I finally started applying at Burger King. The closest ones, for whatever reason, would not hire me. I had worked with a manager at "my" Burger King who claimed he was there for training because his parents owned a franchise in Redlands. One day, my brother and I decided to drive to Redlands to see if we could find him. We did find the only Burger King in Redlands, but not my old manager. But while we were there, I applied for a job. And I got hired. Since nothing else was being offered, I took it. I drove 35 miles one-way to get to that job. I think I spent more on gas than I made on my paycheck. But I was working, and my dad was happy. I worked there for 7 months. It was not as fun as my first job and I was a little disillusioned.
While I was running my truck into the ground with my long commute, my Dad was vigilantly looking for other prospects for me. One day, he saw an ad in the local paper for a home-health aide/companion for an elderly lady. Since I had been certified as a nurse's aide and was enrolled in an EMT course at the community college, he thought I had a chance to be hired. So I applied for the job. The family of the elderly lady lived in Beverly Hills, so I had to write a letter and send a resume. It was the first time I didn't have to fill out an application for a job. My Interview was over the phone and apparently, I made a good impression with my medical background. Either that, or I was the most qualified applicant. Either way, I had a new job closer to home.
Her name was Paula and she was 85 years old. She had once been married to a man who made millions of dollars in the perfume industry. After he died, she married a man who squandered away her millions. When the bank account read less than one million, the second husband killed himself. He was in his 80s. After he died, her son and his wife stepped in and took over her finances. They sold the Beverly Hills home and moved her to Wrightwood. By this time, she wasn't cognizant of everything going on around her so there were no arguments. She was very complacent to let her son tell her what was going to happen. By the time I knew her, senility had already set in, and she was physically deteriorating. My job was to get her out of bed, feed her breakfast, get her bathed and dressed, take her on walks when she was able - push her in the wheelchair when she wasn't able to walk, take her to her doctors appointments, feed her lunch, and then, if she wanted to, she could watch one hour of television every day. Her son, George, was a teacher in the valley somewhere and had long commutes. He left the house every day before the sun came up and returned long after I left for the day. George's wife, Cynthia, told me that she was not going to take care of her mother-in-law, it was not her job. I would do that in George's absence. By the time I left at the end of my shift, George would be due to return within the hour, and Cynthia felt that was about as much time as she would spend keeping an eye on her mother-in-law. Obviously, there was no love lost there. I never did hear that story. I heard a lot of stories, but never from Paula. She very rarely spoke other than to say, "Thank you, Dear," or to ask for something specific like, "Do you have the time?" She was born in Holland, so was fluent in Dutch, Flemish, French and English. One day she asked me what time it was in all four languages before I understood her. One day, I asked her why she didn't talk to me. She said, "I've been talking for 85 years. I figure I've said all I have to say." She was a funny lady! Drama and boredom came with this job. It was one of my favorites. I lost this job when Paula passed away. I had known her for the last 15 months of her life.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do next. I had decided to take a vacation to visit my old stomping ground and see old friends. I stayed with my aunt, and while I was there, she told me that I could get a job where she worked. She was a telephone operator. I had never done that, so I applied. Because I was Paula's niece, I was hired on the spot. I went home and told my mom I found a job and I was moving out. I was 20 years old... it was time. So, just like that I became a telephone operator - oh excuse me - a Telereceptionist. I worked for an answering service. We answered the phones for business professionals whose work depended on after hours calls, like doctors, for instance. In fact, doctors offices were our most predominant customers. I did this for 8 years. (This is the longest I will ever hold a specific type of job, tho not always with the same employer.) My first employer was TAB Answering Service, who later became Alert Communications. I was able to work my way up in this job. I started at a grunt, or operator, answering phones on the swing shift - 3pm to 11pm. This was the busiest shift because offices typically closed at 5pm and we took over. I really loved this job! I guess that's why I did it for so long. Eventually, I became the evening supervisor, then the assistant manager, then the manager in charge of voice mail. Not long after I was hired, my Aunt was made assistant manager. When she retired, I was offered that position. I don't know for sure if it was because I was her niece or if it was because I had proven that I could do the job. Either way, I learned a lot as the assistant manager. I was in charge of scheduling employees hours and billing. That was fun. I only left that industry when I started my own company with my ex-sister-in-law, Shirley.
Before I get to our company, while I was still a Telereceptionist, my first husband and I had moved to Las Vegas. I was working at an answering service when one of our customers offered me a job. This was for a nurse staffing company, or nurses registry. They staffed local hospitals who were short of nurses with nurses who were willing to work the extra hours. Hospitals used the registries to avoid paying their staff overtime. Oftentimes, their staff would be the ones sent to work the shifts. But because they were sent by our company, they were no longer employed by the hospital and were, therefore, not paid overtime. I liked that job because I got to deal with the medical industry, to which I had always held an attraction. I left that job when we moved back to CA, where I got my job back at Alert.
With the advent of the automated system, the answering service industry began it's decline. The company I worked for had about 10 offices in the surrounding area. As customers canceled our service, the company began to close and combine offices. When they finally got to my office, I was moved to the nearest neighboring office. I was the assistant manager/voice mail manager at the time, but because the office I was moving to already had one of those, I was demoted. I received fewer hours. My check took a huge hit. I had gotten Shirley a job with Alert and when they closed our doors, she was let go. (Not everyone was given the opportunity to move with the company... there simply were not enough jobs.) So Shirley and I discussed it and decided to start our own business. We cleaned houses. It did not go well at first. We just didn't get enough calls. But then she learned of a program run by the state of CA where they (the state) would pay someone to do specific things for elderly and disabled persons. Her mother lived in a senior community and there were a lot of residents that were looking for someone to come and help them. So we started doing that. We started with her mother, of course. And her mother, who we called Mama, loved her daughter so much, that she told everyone about us and eventually we ended up with so many clients that we had to separate. She would take one floor while I took another. This wasn't my most favorite job, but I liked it because I got to see different people every day and I got to hear a lot of stories. My limited medical background came in handy with some of our clients. I had one lady who was diabetic and had arthritis so bad that she couldn't give herself her insulin injections... so I did it. I also took her blood pressure and tested her blood sugars every morning. I had Nicolas by then, so he stayed with Mama while Shirley and I roamed the building. Sometimes he would get to come with me. He was such a good helper - even at the age of 2. And the residents loved seeing him. Well, most of them anyway! With this job, we did everything from cleaning apartments and laundry to grocery shopping. Some clients were once a week, some were two or three times a week and some were daily. One elderly lady hired us to check on her every day. She had a tendency to fall and no one would find her for hours. So Shirley checked on her in the morning and I checked on her in the afternoon/evening before leaving the building. I did that for three years. I left this job when I moved to Las Vegas. Shirley had to give up some of our clients when I left. She kept those that she favored and those that received the most hours from the state. She had to give up those that required medical care cuz she didn't know how to do that - that was my area. She never took on any new clients, even when those that she had began to die. Eventually, she didn't have any clients left and moved to Oklahoma.
In Vegas, my first job was working as a casino porter. I cleaned the casino floor (and machines, and bathrooms, and ashtrays) on the graveyard shift. Because restaurants were closed and people were scarce, graveyard is where the deep cleaning gets done. We mopped and swept and vacuumed and dusted everything located inside a casino. And I mean everything. Next time you find yourself in a casino, look up! You will see things that will need to be cleaned. That's what I did. I did it for three years before I quit.
I was babysitting my mom's boss's daughters at the time I quit, so I just focused all my attention on being a good day care provider. It didn't take long to find a father who needed someone to watch his three sons. He had just found a job after being unemployed for some time, so I had a house full of kids for about a year. I had the sisters and the brothers plus Nicky. And, I found out I was pregnant with Tony. After Tony was born, the boys' father became a stay-at-home Dad again, so I lost them. Then, my husband thought I should go back to work to bring more money into the house. So I asked the girls' mom for more money (I was only charging her $75 a week to watch both girls) but she said she couldn't afford it. So I had to go find a job.
I applied for everything I thought I could do, and was eventually hired as a receptionist for a non-profit agency whose goal it was to educate low to middle class women to become self-employed, or business owners. There I learned everything there is to know about business plans, the difference between a micro-loan and a mini-loan. I worked with partners of the SBA, including the IRS. I learned a lot at this job. So much so that people would ask me if I know how to start my own business why didn't I? I would always say because I know what it takes to run a business. To become a business owner means to gamble that you will never have any money, no more paycheck, no more vacation days, no more sick days, no more pension fund, no more retirement, no more bonuses.... that business is all you. And if that business doesn't make any money, then you don't make any money. No thank you! I liked getting my paycheck. They were funded through government grants and had to be sponsored by a larger non-profit organization. I became the personal assistant to the CEO of the sponsoring non-profit and to the program director. I really liked this job and held it for two years. I lost this job when they lost their funding.
I had picked up a second job at Jack in the Box while working for the non-profit, so when I lost that job, I went full time with Jack in the Box. I took the management training course, and became an shift leader, with the goal of moving up into management. That didn't work out so well. I was bumped around the company until I landed at a store where the manager was not a nice person and eventually I quit because he wouldn't answer his phone or his pager when staff didn't show up for work, leaving me to cover shifts. I quit when he expected me to work a double shift the night before Thanksgiving and I was expecting 26 people at my house for Thanksgiving dinner and I was cooking!
Then I applied at Baja Fresh, where I was just a cashier, no management responsibilites and I liked that a lot. No expectations of covering shifts. I did that for two years. I quit when my mom and dad moved to Idaho. My mom was my baby sitter. I had three children by then. If I were to put them into daycare, I would have been working just to pay for the daycare. So my husband and I decided that I could be a full-time, stay-at-home Mom. I did that for three years.
Then my brother-in-law decided to start his own business, but didn't know anything about running or setting up an office. So he called me and I went to work as his office manager. It was a one person office, so I was it... I did everything from billing to accounts receivable, accounts payable, answer the phones, schedule the work, paperwork in the office... everything. It's a pool plumbing business, so I learned the ins and outs of building a swimming pool. Eventually, he expanded the business to include servicing and maintaining swimming pools, and when he needed an extra body in the field, I was asked if I would like to do that. I said yes.
So I went from being the office manager (for two years) to servicing swimming pools. I love this job the best. I work outdoors all day long - the first time in my life working outdoors. I don't have to call in "sick" on truly beautiful days because I get to experience the day all day. And it's a physical job that keeps me moving. The only job that ever did that for me was when I was a casino porter. I missed that part of that job, so am very glad to be physically moving again. This March, I will have been doing this for two years.
So there you have it.... my long list of jobs and the different types that I've had. I have learned so much from each of these jobs and I can say that I have enjoyed every single one of them. Sometimes, not knowing what you're going to do in life will open up doors to worlds you didn't even know existed. I've enjoyed this journey very much. And I look forward to what the future will bring me. I'm not done learning. I don't know how long I'll be doing what I'm doing now or what will come next... but I'm excited cuz I know whatever it is, I'll learn something else that I didn't already know.
18 February 2010
What If . . .
I just finished watching the movie "17 Again" with Zac Efron and Matthew Perry. For those that haven't yet seen it, it's about a 17 year old boy who makes a decision that affects his entire life and for the next 20 years, he wonders if he made the right decision. He's given the opportunity to be 17 again to make the decision that he thought he should have made, only to discover that the original decision was the correct decision.
That got me to thinking about my own decisions that I've made throughout the years, and especially the ones I made when I was young. Wondering how different my life would be now if I had just made one decision differently. And then THAT got me to thinking about other movies with the same theme. And I began to realize that there are a lot of movies out there with this theme... where we wonder what our lives would have been like if we had made this one big decision differently. The reason there are so many of these movies out there, I believe, is because all of us - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - at one point or another wonders how different our lives would be if we could go back and do one thing, or many things, different.
These are known as the What If's. What if I hadn't broke up with him when I did? Would we still be together? Would we have gotten married? Would we have had children? Would we still be married? Would our life be wonderful? OR What if I had taken that job over this one? Would I be happier? Would I be making more money now? Where would I be now?
We can't live our lives with What If's. It will drive us crazy.
But one thing Gnosticism has taught me is that we make all those decisions for a reason. The reason is to keep us on the path which we set out to travel. If we had made any of those decisions differently, we wouldn't be on the paths that we're on.
Have you ever had a Deja vu moment? Of course you have. Everyone gets them. It's that moment when you're in a place doing a thing and suddenly you feel as though you've been there before, or you dreamt this before. Everything is exactly as you dreamed it or remembered it. This is God's way of telling you that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at exactly the moment and time and place that you're supposed to be doing it in. Essentially, that you are on the path that you and He chose for you. If you had made any decision differently, you wouldn't be on your path.
I recently reconnected with my very first boyfriend... the first boy to ever ask that ever so important question - "Will you be my girlfriend?" And of course, it got me to wondering. Got me asking, What if?
You see, this is the third time we've connected with one another. The first time, I met him over the CB radio. I know this is going to show my age, but it was during that time when CB's were the thing to have in your house and in your car. I supposed you could call it the first social networking site. Anyway, he was "The Doctor" and I was the "Bellflower Bubblegummer." He was not the only boy I met that summer, but he was the only one to ask that ever so important question. Our relationship didn't last long - less than a year, I think - because I broke up with him. (What if . . . I hadn't broken up with him then?)
Then, when I was 20, I was asked to accompany my roommate to a company Christmas dinner. She worked for a large Southern California bank (that no longer exists). While we were eating dinner, I saw him sitting next to his mom. He looked a little different, but I was sure that it was him. I leaned over to my roommate and asked her if she knew him. She did not, but she knew his mother cuz she worked with her. I asked her what her name was, and she couldn't pronounce the last name, but that was all I needed to hear. I walked over to him and said hello. That began a short lived reconnection. This time, however, we were not boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz he never asked me again to be his girlfriend. We did go out on friendly dates when either of us got lonely. (Kind of what I'm looking for now, actually.) But then I met my first husband and said goodbye to my first boyfriend . . . again. (What if . . . I hadn't said yes to the marriage proposal?)
This last time, I found him on facebook. He's been married now for 18 years to the same woman and has two beautiful daughters. And of course, I wonder what if. . . But knowing what I know now, I believe that we are supposed to be a part of each others lives, just not in the capacity to which we attempted. I think we were meant to be friends, but not spouses. And having that belief in my heart has helped me to see him in a whole new light. He is a wonderful friend and someone with whom I like to talk. I don't know if we would have made it had he ever asked me to marry him (which he never did, by the way. Although he did give me a promise ring when we were 15 years old. I never held him to that promise - obviously.). Ultimately, I can't change what never was, and I can't dwell on the past. So I have to move forward with what I have been lucky enough to receive - a great friend! And I'm glad that we can be a part of each other's lives.
It's okay to wonder what if... as long as you don't drive yourself crazy with it.
That got me to thinking about my own decisions that I've made throughout the years, and especially the ones I made when I was young. Wondering how different my life would be now if I had just made one decision differently. And then THAT got me to thinking about other movies with the same theme. And I began to realize that there are a lot of movies out there with this theme... where we wonder what our lives would have been like if we had made this one big decision differently. The reason there are so many of these movies out there, I believe, is because all of us - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - at one point or another wonders how different our lives would be if we could go back and do one thing, or many things, different.
These are known as the What If's. What if I hadn't broke up with him when I did? Would we still be together? Would we have gotten married? Would we have had children? Would we still be married? Would our life be wonderful? OR What if I had taken that job over this one? Would I be happier? Would I be making more money now? Where would I be now?
We can't live our lives with What If's. It will drive us crazy.
But one thing Gnosticism has taught me is that we make all those decisions for a reason. The reason is to keep us on the path which we set out to travel. If we had made any of those decisions differently, we wouldn't be on the paths that we're on.
Have you ever had a Deja vu moment? Of course you have. Everyone gets them. It's that moment when you're in a place doing a thing and suddenly you feel as though you've been there before, or you dreamt this before. Everything is exactly as you dreamed it or remembered it. This is God's way of telling you that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at exactly the moment and time and place that you're supposed to be doing it in. Essentially, that you are on the path that you and He chose for you. If you had made any decision differently, you wouldn't be on your path.
I recently reconnected with my very first boyfriend... the first boy to ever ask that ever so important question - "Will you be my girlfriend?" And of course, it got me to wondering. Got me asking, What if?
You see, this is the third time we've connected with one another. The first time, I met him over the CB radio. I know this is going to show my age, but it was during that time when CB's were the thing to have in your house and in your car. I supposed you could call it the first social networking site. Anyway, he was "The Doctor" and I was the "Bellflower Bubblegummer." He was not the only boy I met that summer, but he was the only one to ask that ever so important question. Our relationship didn't last long - less than a year, I think - because I broke up with him. (What if . . . I hadn't broken up with him then?)
Then, when I was 20, I was asked to accompany my roommate to a company Christmas dinner. She worked for a large Southern California bank (that no longer exists). While we were eating dinner, I saw him sitting next to his mom. He looked a little different, but I was sure that it was him. I leaned over to my roommate and asked her if she knew him. She did not, but she knew his mother cuz she worked with her. I asked her what her name was, and she couldn't pronounce the last name, but that was all I needed to hear. I walked over to him and said hello. That began a short lived reconnection. This time, however, we were not boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz he never asked me again to be his girlfriend. We did go out on friendly dates when either of us got lonely. (Kind of what I'm looking for now, actually.) But then I met my first husband and said goodbye to my first boyfriend . . . again. (What if . . . I hadn't said yes to the marriage proposal?)
This last time, I found him on facebook. He's been married now for 18 years to the same woman and has two beautiful daughters. And of course, I wonder what if. . . But knowing what I know now, I believe that we are supposed to be a part of each others lives, just not in the capacity to which we attempted. I think we were meant to be friends, but not spouses. And having that belief in my heart has helped me to see him in a whole new light. He is a wonderful friend and someone with whom I like to talk. I don't know if we would have made it had he ever asked me to marry him (which he never did, by the way. Although he did give me a promise ring when we were 15 years old. I never held him to that promise - obviously.). Ultimately, I can't change what never was, and I can't dwell on the past. So I have to move forward with what I have been lucky enough to receive - a great friend! And I'm glad that we can be a part of each other's lives.
It's okay to wonder what if... as long as you don't drive yourself crazy with it.
13 February 2010
The Quest for Love
If you are one of the lucky few, you will have found your one and only, your true love, your "soul mate" and have been with him or her for a really long time with no plans to go anywhere. Your search, or quest as I like to call it, for love has a very happy ending.
On the other hand, if you are like me, you have been searching for love for a very long time. There may have been times when you thought you found it, but discovered at some point that what you found was not true love but something you invented with the hope of being happy.
I realize that I am only 43 years old and have not lived long enough to have a wisdom about anything. However, as an observer of life, I have noticed that some of us, maybe even most of us, are constantly searching for "true" love. But our requisites for a life partner change through the years. As we get older, and as we discard those that don't live up to our expectations, our ideals for our perfect mate change.
When we are very young, our idea of true love comes from the fairy tale stories to which we are subjected. Especially if your parents' love lives didn't feel or look like what you were reading about in the stories. If you grew up in a very loving environment, you probably wanted to duplicate that environment when you became a wife or husband and had children. If, however, your home life wasn't quite so idealistic in the love area, you probably created in your imagination something that was the opposite of what you were living. In either case, whatever you imagined when you were very young probably did not last very long.
In our teen years, our eyes open a little wider to the world around us. The rose-colored lenses of childhood begin to fade and we begin to form real-life opinions of the world around us. We temporarily forget about our idealized goal of marriage and/or children as our hormones begin to rage and focus our attentions, instead, on just finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. We want to be validated in the eyes of our friends and to be perceived as normal as possible. If we are unable to secure a boy/girlfriend, we begin to think that there is something wrong with us... Why can't I get a boy/girlfriend, we think? What's wrong with me? Some of us will go through many, many different relationships, presumably to "test the waters." Most of us won't find our ideal love in our teen years because we don't yet know what that is. Some of us, however, will figure it out during that same period and will find the person with whom they will spend the rest of their lives. They are the lucky few.
As your teen years turn into your 20s, if you have not found your life partner, you will go one of two ways: you will either decide to get as many men/women into your bed before seriously searching for that one with which you will want to settle down; or you will immediately begin your search for serious love.
In the first case, you throw all ideals of a mate out the window and decide you are just going to have fun. Fuck it! (literally and figuratively.) You no longer care what qualities a potential partner can bring into a relationship, but focus instead on what physical qualities attract you to him/her. This can have an advantage in the end if you are observant. With each partner, you will begin to take note of what qualities he or she has that are attractive to you in non-physical ways. For instance, you may discover that you like the person that cleans up after him/herself, but not the person who becomes obsessive about cleanliness. And without even realizing it, you are cataloging in your head all the qualities you want in your life partner. If you're lucky, you will find all of those qualities in one person right about the time you are ready to settle down.
If you have decided to immediately begin your search for true love, you will seriously date each potential mate, maybe even living with one or more of your boy/girlfriends. But you will, in reality, end up doing exactly what the person in scenario one is doing - cataloging traits. However, because you are dating seriously, you are not seeing a lot of people. Probably one or two over the period of a decade. In this instance, the traits that you are cataloging are the negative ones. You are making mental note of what you DON'T want in a life partner. If you are lucky, you will find someone who has the least amount of negative traits (or someone who is willing to work on his/hers) by the time you are ready to settle down.
Wanting to end your search for the perfect mate in your 20s, you probably settled for someone who came as close as you figured they would get to what you think is your ideal mate. If you are extremely lucky, you'll stay together "til death do you part." Most of us who married in our 20s have already gotten divorced, having discovered our partner wasn't even close to what we really wanted. We then begin to realize that we weren't really in-love with the person to whom we committed ourselves, but were so sure that we were ready to begin our idealized life of marriage and children, we took the leap with the wrong person. There are a few who decide to not take the plunge of marriage in their 20s and continue their quest for their Mr./Mrs. Right.
Whether you were married and then divorced or remained single through your 20s, your perception of love and a life mate change when you get into your 30s. You are growing up now. You feel like an adult for the first time. You are maturing in your thought process as well as your actions. You realize that relationships require work and your search begins to take a different approach. You begin to look for someone who is willing to work with you and has similar life goals. If you're lucky, you will find that someone. And you will fall in love, probably for the first time. You will decide to take that final step and you will get married. You will believe that you have found true love. And perhaps you have. You will have children and will relish your role as a wife and mother, or husband and father. Your relationship will have ups and downs, but you realize that it is normal. If you are lucky, your relationship will last regardless of the fights and quarrels, because you are working at it. You learn that compromise is part of the equation, and you are willing to compromise. Life, for the most part, feels right because you have love.
If you are not lucky by the time you reach your 40s, you either did not find the one who is willing to work with you for a lifetime and never got married, or, if you did get married, one of you will stop working at the relationship. If the last scenario describes your life, you will divorce because you realize that when one of you stops working at the relationship, the relationship stops working. When that happens, everyone in the family becomes miserable with the home life and something has to change. You might seek counseling to fix it. Sometimes that works. Sometimes, the one that quit working at the relationship will refuse to go to counseling if it's requested. In any case, it either works or it doesn't. And your perception of love changes yet again. In your 40s, usually you have decided that you are where you are and that's where you'll stay, whether your married or divorced or never have been married. You have reached that age where you are completely comfortable with who you are and how life works. You realize that there is still a lot of lessons to be learned, but you now know in what areas of your life you are willing to compromise and which areas you are not. You think you know definitively what you want in a partner. If you have it, great. If not, you will no longer settle for anything less.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married and have two children - a boy and a girl - by the time I was 25. I wanted the ideal homelife - a husband to take care of me and my children. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and raise my children in a loving environment. When I was in high school, I just wanted a boyfriend. I wasn't looking for that one guy to spend the rest of my life with... just someone to ask me out and say he was my boyfriend. I never found that at school. The boy who did become my boyfriend went to a different school, which meant I saw him very little. Being so very young, I was also very stupid and I broke up with him after only months of dating. I never had another boyfriend in my teens; therefore, I was very unhappy. I thought that not having a boyfriend meant that I wasn't worthy of love. I was positive I would never find anyone to love me.
In my 20s, I took the "fuck it" attitude and began sleeping with whomever would sleep with me. Eventually, I figured, I would find someone who was willing to settle down with me. And I did. I ended up marrying the first man who asked me to marry him. By the time he asked me, I was positive that no one would ever ask me. So I thought I was in love with him, because he asked me to marry him. We were together for 4 years when I realized that I was not in love with the man and I was done with that relationship. I left him, and went back to the "fuck it" attitude. I ended up getting pregnant and had my first child at 26. The man who impregnated me didn't hang around long enough to learn of my pregnancy. He got what he wanted and was out of there. (Apparently, he also had the "fuck it" attitude.) Although technically still married to husband #1, I was a single mom. I filed for divorce before my son's first birthday. And, because I was now a mother, I stopped "dating" altogether. I concentrated on raising my son. And with him in my life, I felt complete and whole because I had found, for the first time, unconditional love. I was content to raise him by myself knowing that he loved me, and I loved him, no matter what. As he got older and became more independent, I realized that I was missing something: companionship.... and sex. So, I started the search for a husband for me, and a father for my son. When I first met husband #2, I didn't know he would be the one who would be my husband... he was just a fun guy to go out with. But in less than two weeks, I knew he was the one with whom I was supposed to spend my life. We were married six weeks after we met. Our marriage was very tumultuous in the beginning. I had some hard lessons to learn. But eventually, things calmed down and shortly after our first anniversary, I learned I was pregnant with my second child, his first. Our marriage worked for about 7 years. Then something in him changed. It was just after the birth of our second son together (my third child) that he snapped. He just decided he was done working at the relationship. So I left. He was in his late 40s. I was in my late 30's. We have since become friends again and can work together in raising our children, but we will no longer be a couple.
Through those two relationships, and the numerous non-relationships that I've had, I have learned what I DON'T want, and for which I am no longer willing to settle. First of all, while I still have young children to raise, and as long as their father is a part of their lives, I will not have a serious relationship. I don't want a boyfriend with whom my ex can find fault and pick fights. I don't want my children feeling as though they are not number one in my life. I don't want complication or drama beyond what I already have. Things are running very smoothly right now and I like that a lot.
But I do miss the companionship of a man (sex) and feeling as though I am worthy of being loved. Ultimately, I miss being loved. I have the love of my children, the love of my family, and the love of my friends - all of which are fulfilling in their own rights. But it's that love of a partner that is lacking. At my age, I know realistically that it may not be possible to find it anymore. So what I'd really like is to find someone who realizes that I will not compromise my life for him and is willing to be someone to go out with once in awhile and maybe have sex with every now and again. But it has to be someone who shares common likes and dislikes. Someone who thinks along the same lines that I do. Someone with whom I have something in common. And he has to be secure enough in himself to not be jealous of the time I am not giving him. Someone, basically, who is looking for the same thing that I'm looking for. Does that man even exist? I doubt it. Will I ever find love again? Only time will tell!
On the other hand, if you are like me, you have been searching for love for a very long time. There may have been times when you thought you found it, but discovered at some point that what you found was not true love but something you invented with the hope of being happy.
I realize that I am only 43 years old and have not lived long enough to have a wisdom about anything. However, as an observer of life, I have noticed that some of us, maybe even most of us, are constantly searching for "true" love. But our requisites for a life partner change through the years. As we get older, and as we discard those that don't live up to our expectations, our ideals for our perfect mate change.
When we are very young, our idea of true love comes from the fairy tale stories to which we are subjected. Especially if your parents' love lives didn't feel or look like what you were reading about in the stories. If you grew up in a very loving environment, you probably wanted to duplicate that environment when you became a wife or husband and had children. If, however, your home life wasn't quite so idealistic in the love area, you probably created in your imagination something that was the opposite of what you were living. In either case, whatever you imagined when you were very young probably did not last very long.
In our teen years, our eyes open a little wider to the world around us. The rose-colored lenses of childhood begin to fade and we begin to form real-life opinions of the world around us. We temporarily forget about our idealized goal of marriage and/or children as our hormones begin to rage and focus our attentions, instead, on just finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. We want to be validated in the eyes of our friends and to be perceived as normal as possible. If we are unable to secure a boy/girlfriend, we begin to think that there is something wrong with us... Why can't I get a boy/girlfriend, we think? What's wrong with me? Some of us will go through many, many different relationships, presumably to "test the waters." Most of us won't find our ideal love in our teen years because we don't yet know what that is. Some of us, however, will figure it out during that same period and will find the person with whom they will spend the rest of their lives. They are the lucky few.
As your teen years turn into your 20s, if you have not found your life partner, you will go one of two ways: you will either decide to get as many men/women into your bed before seriously searching for that one with which you will want to settle down; or you will immediately begin your search for serious love.
In the first case, you throw all ideals of a mate out the window and decide you are just going to have fun. Fuck it! (literally and figuratively.) You no longer care what qualities a potential partner can bring into a relationship, but focus instead on what physical qualities attract you to him/her. This can have an advantage in the end if you are observant. With each partner, you will begin to take note of what qualities he or she has that are attractive to you in non-physical ways. For instance, you may discover that you like the person that cleans up after him/herself, but not the person who becomes obsessive about cleanliness. And without even realizing it, you are cataloging in your head all the qualities you want in your life partner. If you're lucky, you will find all of those qualities in one person right about the time you are ready to settle down.
If you have decided to immediately begin your search for true love, you will seriously date each potential mate, maybe even living with one or more of your boy/girlfriends. But you will, in reality, end up doing exactly what the person in scenario one is doing - cataloging traits. However, because you are dating seriously, you are not seeing a lot of people. Probably one or two over the period of a decade. In this instance, the traits that you are cataloging are the negative ones. You are making mental note of what you DON'T want in a life partner. If you are lucky, you will find someone who has the least amount of negative traits (or someone who is willing to work on his/hers) by the time you are ready to settle down.
Wanting to end your search for the perfect mate in your 20s, you probably settled for someone who came as close as you figured they would get to what you think is your ideal mate. If you are extremely lucky, you'll stay together "til death do you part." Most of us who married in our 20s have already gotten divorced, having discovered our partner wasn't even close to what we really wanted. We then begin to realize that we weren't really in-love with the person to whom we committed ourselves, but were so sure that we were ready to begin our idealized life of marriage and children, we took the leap with the wrong person. There are a few who decide to not take the plunge of marriage in their 20s and continue their quest for their Mr./Mrs. Right.
Whether you were married and then divorced or remained single through your 20s, your perception of love and a life mate change when you get into your 30s. You are growing up now. You feel like an adult for the first time. You are maturing in your thought process as well as your actions. You realize that relationships require work and your search begins to take a different approach. You begin to look for someone who is willing to work with you and has similar life goals. If you're lucky, you will find that someone. And you will fall in love, probably for the first time. You will decide to take that final step and you will get married. You will believe that you have found true love. And perhaps you have. You will have children and will relish your role as a wife and mother, or husband and father. Your relationship will have ups and downs, but you realize that it is normal. If you are lucky, your relationship will last regardless of the fights and quarrels, because you are working at it. You learn that compromise is part of the equation, and you are willing to compromise. Life, for the most part, feels right because you have love.
If you are not lucky by the time you reach your 40s, you either did not find the one who is willing to work with you for a lifetime and never got married, or, if you did get married, one of you will stop working at the relationship. If the last scenario describes your life, you will divorce because you realize that when one of you stops working at the relationship, the relationship stops working. When that happens, everyone in the family becomes miserable with the home life and something has to change. You might seek counseling to fix it. Sometimes that works. Sometimes, the one that quit working at the relationship will refuse to go to counseling if it's requested. In any case, it either works or it doesn't. And your perception of love changes yet again. In your 40s, usually you have decided that you are where you are and that's where you'll stay, whether your married or divorced or never have been married. You have reached that age where you are completely comfortable with who you are and how life works. You realize that there is still a lot of lessons to be learned, but you now know in what areas of your life you are willing to compromise and which areas you are not. You think you know definitively what you want in a partner. If you have it, great. If not, you will no longer settle for anything less.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married and have two children - a boy and a girl - by the time I was 25. I wanted the ideal homelife - a husband to take care of me and my children. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and raise my children in a loving environment. When I was in high school, I just wanted a boyfriend. I wasn't looking for that one guy to spend the rest of my life with... just someone to ask me out and say he was my boyfriend. I never found that at school. The boy who did become my boyfriend went to a different school, which meant I saw him very little. Being so very young, I was also very stupid and I broke up with him after only months of dating. I never had another boyfriend in my teens; therefore, I was very unhappy. I thought that not having a boyfriend meant that I wasn't worthy of love. I was positive I would never find anyone to love me.
In my 20s, I took the "fuck it" attitude and began sleeping with whomever would sleep with me. Eventually, I figured, I would find someone who was willing to settle down with me. And I did. I ended up marrying the first man who asked me to marry him. By the time he asked me, I was positive that no one would ever ask me. So I thought I was in love with him, because he asked me to marry him. We were together for 4 years when I realized that I was not in love with the man and I was done with that relationship. I left him, and went back to the "fuck it" attitude. I ended up getting pregnant and had my first child at 26. The man who impregnated me didn't hang around long enough to learn of my pregnancy. He got what he wanted and was out of there. (Apparently, he also had the "fuck it" attitude.) Although technically still married to husband #1, I was a single mom. I filed for divorce before my son's first birthday. And, because I was now a mother, I stopped "dating" altogether. I concentrated on raising my son. And with him in my life, I felt complete and whole because I had found, for the first time, unconditional love. I was content to raise him by myself knowing that he loved me, and I loved him, no matter what. As he got older and became more independent, I realized that I was missing something: companionship.... and sex. So, I started the search for a husband for me, and a father for my son. When I first met husband #2, I didn't know he would be the one who would be my husband... he was just a fun guy to go out with. But in less than two weeks, I knew he was the one with whom I was supposed to spend my life. We were married six weeks after we met. Our marriage was very tumultuous in the beginning. I had some hard lessons to learn. But eventually, things calmed down and shortly after our first anniversary, I learned I was pregnant with my second child, his first. Our marriage worked for about 7 years. Then something in him changed. It was just after the birth of our second son together (my third child) that he snapped. He just decided he was done working at the relationship. So I left. He was in his late 40s. I was in my late 30's. We have since become friends again and can work together in raising our children, but we will no longer be a couple.
Through those two relationships, and the numerous non-relationships that I've had, I have learned what I DON'T want, and for which I am no longer willing to settle. First of all, while I still have young children to raise, and as long as their father is a part of their lives, I will not have a serious relationship. I don't want a boyfriend with whom my ex can find fault and pick fights. I don't want my children feeling as though they are not number one in my life. I don't want complication or drama beyond what I already have. Things are running very smoothly right now and I like that a lot.
But I do miss the companionship of a man (sex) and feeling as though I am worthy of being loved. Ultimately, I miss being loved. I have the love of my children, the love of my family, and the love of my friends - all of which are fulfilling in their own rights. But it's that love of a partner that is lacking. At my age, I know realistically that it may not be possible to find it anymore. So what I'd really like is to find someone who realizes that I will not compromise my life for him and is willing to be someone to go out with once in awhile and maybe have sex with every now and again. But it has to be someone who shares common likes and dislikes. Someone who thinks along the same lines that I do. Someone with whom I have something in common. And he has to be secure enough in himself to not be jealous of the time I am not giving him. Someone, basically, who is looking for the same thing that I'm looking for. Does that man even exist? I doubt it. Will I ever find love again? Only time will tell!
08 February 2010
What is unconditional love and how do we find it?
That's a good question, actually. As a parent, I think it's easier to show our children unconditional love than it is to show, say, a spouse. Why is that?
I was talking to Nic just today about life and relationships. I tell him almost constantly, "A smart man learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns from other peoples mistakes." I asked him today if he understood what that meant. He said yes. I then went on to tell him that I hoped that by sharing some of my life experiences he could live a life that was less complicated than mine was. Realizing of course that he will have to make mistakes of his own, I hope that he takes the lessons and stories that I share with him and is able to use them to his advantage.
Nic has a girlfriend. They celebrated their 4 month anniversary just recently. I told him that I hoped they were still together at the end of the summer. Not that I want them to break up, but they will be apart this summer: he is going to Catalina to work the summer boy scout camp, and she is going to Europe for a few weeks. I told him this would be a good test for them, for their hearts, because absence can make the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind. If they can survive the summer, and find that they still love each other (if indeed they do love each other) and both stay faithful to the other, then they could have a lasting relationship. Nic seemed to understand that.
I and my estranged husband will be filing for divorce this year. It was inevitable. We knew it was coming. The only reason we never filed the paperwork was because of the insurance. As soon as the divorce were to become final, Nic and I would be taken off of his insurance. But now that he's been laid off and is losing the insurance, there will be no reason to stay married. But I'm okay with it. While I did love him once (very much so), that love is no longer there. Don't get me wrong; I still have love for him in my heart. He is, after all, the father of two of my children. But I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I asked him recently if he felt the same and he acknowledged that he did. He still felt something for me, as the mother to his children, but the feeling is no longer the same that he had when we were first married.
Why does that love die? I think it's because of the actions of the person, or persons, in the relationship. Love, I have discovered, is not an emotion but a choice. That being the case, if we can decided to fall in love, then we can decide to fall out of love. With my first marriage, I was more in love with the idea of getting married than I was in love with the man I was marrying. Obviously, there was some kind of love there; otherwise, I never would have married him. But that love had to grow over time. He asked me to marry him after we'd been together for a very short time - less than 2 or 3 months, I believe. I told him no in the beginning. I said no because when I asked him why he wanted to marry me, he said it was because he thought it would work. The words, "Because I love you," never came out of his mouth. So, I suggested living together instead. In less than a year of living together, love grew inside of me. But it wasn't the same kind of love that I experienced when I met my 2nd husband. At the time, of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't truly in love with the man: I wouldn't know that for a long time after the divorce. But I was young and a romantic and in love with the idea of falling in love. So, naturally, I thought I had found it. But it didn't take long to figure out that while he thought we could work, it wasn't working. And once it stopped working, I stopped working. Every relationship, whether it be a spousal relationship or a friendship, requires a certain amount of work from both parties in order to succeed. If I haven't learned anything else, I have learned that over the years.
So I divorced number one, and moved to Vegas where I met number two. I can't say the love I felt for him was instantaneous, but it presented itself really early on. Within a week, I knew that this was the man with whom I was supposed to share my life. I didn't know for how long: I just knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was supposed to be with him. We were married 6 weeks after our first date. We had a bumpy, tumultuous relationship from the word go. This one required a lot of work. But we were both willing to put in the effort and it worked. For about 8 years. Then something changed. He changed. For some unknown reason, he decided he didn't want to work anymore at the relationship. Once that happened, it was over. I tried. Lord knows I tried. But he just gave up. So I left. To this day, I still don't know why he stopped working at it. I don't think he knows himself. It was just one of those things. But while I was still trying to get it to work, I remember I was so frustrated because he was making my life miserable, but I was still in love with him. It was that love that kept me there so long. I should have left much earlier than I did... but I was still in love with the asshole. (And believe me, he was - and still is - an asshole.)
After I left, it didn't take long for that love to die. Some of that is attributed to his attitude and treatment of me during those first six months after I left. Some of it is because I just didn't want to be in love with him anymore. I was tired of being treated like shit. I was tired of being stepped on. So, I killed that love that kept us together for 9 years. It was much easier dealing with him without that love hanging onto my heart.
So then, what is unconditional love? After having gone through both marriages, and now two divorces, I can say that I have experienced unconditional love. It's when you love the person with whom you are with unequivocally, through and through, without conditions. You accept them for who they are, flaws and all, without complaint, without trying to change them. You accept everything about them and everything they give you without question and without complaint. The second you add any of the negatives into the equation (the opposites of everything that I have just mentioned i.e., you start finding fault in everything they do; you question every decision and then complain about every little thing; you put conditions on your love), you know that the unconditional love is gone and that relationship is no longer the same. If you've never felt any of the positives, then you've never experienced unconditional love.
How do I know I have experienced unconditional love? Because I married an alcoholic. In the beginning of our marriage, I tried to get him to stop drinking. When that didn't work, I had to figure out if I loved him enough to learn how to live with his condition, or if I was going to leave. For the first year, I tried to get him to quit... the more I tried, the more he drank. Once I accepted that his alcoholism was a disease and he had no control over it, and I accepted him for who he was without condition, his drinking slowed to a minimum. Because I showed him a love that he had not ever felt before, he worked at making our lives more tolerable. (BTW, that wasn't the reason I left him.)
With Valentine's Day coming up, I realize that I sometimes miss that feeling of being in love. But I'm too old now to go looking for new love. New love is addicting, I'll grant you that. But with new love also comes complication and drama. At 43, I know that I no longer want complication and drama in my life. Right now, I'm comfortable with who I am, where I am, and how I live my life. If I were to go find new love, all of that would change. Upheaval and compromise, and everything that goes with being in a relationship..... No thank you.
What I really want is someone with whom I can spend some quality time... someone with whom I have something in common... someone who has his own residence and will take me out once in a while and then go home without expectations, without conditions, without drama, without complication. Will I ever find that? I seriously doubt it. So, I'll settle for a fuck buddy! LOL
I was talking to Nic just today about life and relationships. I tell him almost constantly, "A smart man learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns from other peoples mistakes." I asked him today if he understood what that meant. He said yes. I then went on to tell him that I hoped that by sharing some of my life experiences he could live a life that was less complicated than mine was. Realizing of course that he will have to make mistakes of his own, I hope that he takes the lessons and stories that I share with him and is able to use them to his advantage.
Nic has a girlfriend. They celebrated their 4 month anniversary just recently. I told him that I hoped they were still together at the end of the summer. Not that I want them to break up, but they will be apart this summer: he is going to Catalina to work the summer boy scout camp, and she is going to Europe for a few weeks. I told him this would be a good test for them, for their hearts, because absence can make the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind. If they can survive the summer, and find that they still love each other (if indeed they do love each other) and both stay faithful to the other, then they could have a lasting relationship. Nic seemed to understand that.
I and my estranged husband will be filing for divorce this year. It was inevitable. We knew it was coming. The only reason we never filed the paperwork was because of the insurance. As soon as the divorce were to become final, Nic and I would be taken off of his insurance. But now that he's been laid off and is losing the insurance, there will be no reason to stay married. But I'm okay with it. While I did love him once (very much so), that love is no longer there. Don't get me wrong; I still have love for him in my heart. He is, after all, the father of two of my children. But I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I asked him recently if he felt the same and he acknowledged that he did. He still felt something for me, as the mother to his children, but the feeling is no longer the same that he had when we were first married.
Why does that love die? I think it's because of the actions of the person, or persons, in the relationship. Love, I have discovered, is not an emotion but a choice. That being the case, if we can decided to fall in love, then we can decide to fall out of love. With my first marriage, I was more in love with the idea of getting married than I was in love with the man I was marrying. Obviously, there was some kind of love there; otherwise, I never would have married him. But that love had to grow over time. He asked me to marry him after we'd been together for a very short time - less than 2 or 3 months, I believe. I told him no in the beginning. I said no because when I asked him why he wanted to marry me, he said it was because he thought it would work. The words, "Because I love you," never came out of his mouth. So, I suggested living together instead. In less than a year of living together, love grew inside of me. But it wasn't the same kind of love that I experienced when I met my 2nd husband. At the time, of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't truly in love with the man: I wouldn't know that for a long time after the divorce. But I was young and a romantic and in love with the idea of falling in love. So, naturally, I thought I had found it. But it didn't take long to figure out that while he thought we could work, it wasn't working. And once it stopped working, I stopped working. Every relationship, whether it be a spousal relationship or a friendship, requires a certain amount of work from both parties in order to succeed. If I haven't learned anything else, I have learned that over the years.
So I divorced number one, and moved to Vegas where I met number two. I can't say the love I felt for him was instantaneous, but it presented itself really early on. Within a week, I knew that this was the man with whom I was supposed to share my life. I didn't know for how long: I just knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was supposed to be with him. We were married 6 weeks after our first date. We had a bumpy, tumultuous relationship from the word go. This one required a lot of work. But we were both willing to put in the effort and it worked. For about 8 years. Then something changed. He changed. For some unknown reason, he decided he didn't want to work anymore at the relationship. Once that happened, it was over. I tried. Lord knows I tried. But he just gave up. So I left. To this day, I still don't know why he stopped working at it. I don't think he knows himself. It was just one of those things. But while I was still trying to get it to work, I remember I was so frustrated because he was making my life miserable, but I was still in love with him. It was that love that kept me there so long. I should have left much earlier than I did... but I was still in love with the asshole. (And believe me, he was - and still is - an asshole.)
After I left, it didn't take long for that love to die. Some of that is attributed to his attitude and treatment of me during those first six months after I left. Some of it is because I just didn't want to be in love with him anymore. I was tired of being treated like shit. I was tired of being stepped on. So, I killed that love that kept us together for 9 years. It was much easier dealing with him without that love hanging onto my heart.
So then, what is unconditional love? After having gone through both marriages, and now two divorces, I can say that I have experienced unconditional love. It's when you love the person with whom you are with unequivocally, through and through, without conditions. You accept them for who they are, flaws and all, without complaint, without trying to change them. You accept everything about them and everything they give you without question and without complaint. The second you add any of the negatives into the equation (the opposites of everything that I have just mentioned i.e., you start finding fault in everything they do; you question every decision and then complain about every little thing; you put conditions on your love), you know that the unconditional love is gone and that relationship is no longer the same. If you've never felt any of the positives, then you've never experienced unconditional love.
How do I know I have experienced unconditional love? Because I married an alcoholic. In the beginning of our marriage, I tried to get him to stop drinking. When that didn't work, I had to figure out if I loved him enough to learn how to live with his condition, or if I was going to leave. For the first year, I tried to get him to quit... the more I tried, the more he drank. Once I accepted that his alcoholism was a disease and he had no control over it, and I accepted him for who he was without condition, his drinking slowed to a minimum. Because I showed him a love that he had not ever felt before, he worked at making our lives more tolerable. (BTW, that wasn't the reason I left him.)
With Valentine's Day coming up, I realize that I sometimes miss that feeling of being in love. But I'm too old now to go looking for new love. New love is addicting, I'll grant you that. But with new love also comes complication and drama. At 43, I know that I no longer want complication and drama in my life. Right now, I'm comfortable with who I am, where I am, and how I live my life. If I were to go find new love, all of that would change. Upheaval and compromise, and everything that goes with being in a relationship..... No thank you.
What I really want is someone with whom I can spend some quality time... someone with whom I have something in common... someone who has his own residence and will take me out once in a while and then go home without expectations, without conditions, without drama, without complication. Will I ever find that? I seriously doubt it. So, I'll settle for a fuck buddy! LOL
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