I just finished watching the movie "17 Again" with Zac Efron and Matthew Perry. For those that haven't yet seen it, it's about a 17 year old boy who makes a decision that affects his entire life and for the next 20 years, he wonders if he made the right decision. He's given the opportunity to be 17 again to make the decision that he thought he should have made, only to discover that the original decision was the correct decision.
That got me to thinking about my own decisions that I've made throughout the years, and especially the ones I made when I was young. Wondering how different my life would be now if I had just made one decision differently. And then THAT got me to thinking about other movies with the same theme. And I began to realize that there are a lot of movies out there with this theme... where we wonder what our lives would have been like if we had made this one big decision differently. The reason there are so many of these movies out there, I believe, is because all of us - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - at one point or another wonders how different our lives would be if we could go back and do one thing, or many things, different.
These are known as the What If's. What if I hadn't broke up with him when I did? Would we still be together? Would we have gotten married? Would we have had children? Would we still be married? Would our life be wonderful? OR What if I had taken that job over this one? Would I be happier? Would I be making more money now? Where would I be now?
We can't live our lives with What If's. It will drive us crazy.
But one thing Gnosticism has taught me is that we make all those decisions for a reason. The reason is to keep us on the path which we set out to travel. If we had made any of those decisions differently, we wouldn't be on the paths that we're on.
Have you ever had a Deja vu moment? Of course you have. Everyone gets them. It's that moment when you're in a place doing a thing and suddenly you feel as though you've been there before, or you dreamt this before. Everything is exactly as you dreamed it or remembered it. This is God's way of telling you that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at exactly the moment and time and place that you're supposed to be doing it in. Essentially, that you are on the path that you and He chose for you. If you had made any decision differently, you wouldn't be on your path.
I recently reconnected with my very first boyfriend... the first boy to ever ask that ever so important question - "Will you be my girlfriend?" And of course, it got me to wondering. Got me asking, What if?
You see, this is the third time we've connected with one another. The first time, I met him over the CB radio. I know this is going to show my age, but it was during that time when CB's were the thing to have in your house and in your car. I supposed you could call it the first social networking site. Anyway, he was "The Doctor" and I was the "Bellflower Bubblegummer." He was not the only boy I met that summer, but he was the only one to ask that ever so important question. Our relationship didn't last long - less than a year, I think - because I broke up with him. (What if . . . I hadn't broken up with him then?)
Then, when I was 20, I was asked to accompany my roommate to a company Christmas dinner. She worked for a large Southern California bank (that no longer exists). While we were eating dinner, I saw him sitting next to his mom. He looked a little different, but I was sure that it was him. I leaned over to my roommate and asked her if she knew him. She did not, but she knew his mother cuz she worked with her. I asked her what her name was, and she couldn't pronounce the last name, but that was all I needed to hear. I walked over to him and said hello. That began a short lived reconnection. This time, however, we were not boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz he never asked me again to be his girlfriend. We did go out on friendly dates when either of us got lonely. (Kind of what I'm looking for now, actually.) But then I met my first husband and said goodbye to my first boyfriend . . . again. (What if . . . I hadn't said yes to the marriage proposal?)
This last time, I found him on facebook. He's been married now for 18 years to the same woman and has two beautiful daughters. And of course, I wonder what if. . . But knowing what I know now, I believe that we are supposed to be a part of each others lives, just not in the capacity to which we attempted. I think we were meant to be friends, but not spouses. And having that belief in my heart has helped me to see him in a whole new light. He is a wonderful friend and someone with whom I like to talk. I don't know if we would have made it had he ever asked me to marry him (which he never did, by the way. Although he did give me a promise ring when we were 15 years old. I never held him to that promise - obviously.). Ultimately, I can't change what never was, and I can't dwell on the past. So I have to move forward with what I have been lucky enough to receive - a great friend! And I'm glad that we can be a part of each other's lives.
It's okay to wonder what if... as long as you don't drive yourself crazy with it.
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