So I've been thinking a lot lately about me. Now that I am, for all intents and purposes, kid free, I have more time to take care of and think about me. And I'm not exactly sure why, but for some reason, I've been feeling really lonely lately.
I am not without friends who are, for the most part, available to hang out, chat, or whatever. But I guess being around my brother and his girlfriend has got me thinking about companionship, and my lack thereof. Although I am very happy being single, I think the mourning period for my lost relationship has finally begun. I've accepted that my marriage is over and he and I are moving on with our lives as individuals. We have become very good friends and can even go out as friends with no expectations. But there is a part of me that wishes there were expectations.
I mean, let's face it - as humans, we can live without sex, but who wants to, right? We can live without companionship, but are we really living? As long as we have friends, we tell ourselves, we will be okay. But there is a feeling as though something is missing. Sex, most certainly, but it's more than that. It's being close to someone emotionally; being able to lean on someone when you can't stand alone; having someone to make you feel safe all the time.
If I could find that one person who encompasses all the best of all my ex's without all the negatives, I would be a very happy woman! But I don't think such a creature exists. As a woman approaching 50 (it'll be here before I know it), I am no longer willing to compromise for someone who is lacking in any area that I find important. For instance, all of my ex's had one thing in common that, while it drove me crazy cuz I did not agree with their way of thinking, I was willing to overlook it because I wanted to be loved. What was that one thing? Their inability to look at people as people. All of them saw race, color, sex, religion, sexual orientation - and all of them felt it was their right to voice their opinions on said topics. None of which, by the way, agreed with my way of thinking. I don't judge; I am not bigoted or racist or prejudicial. All of them were, in one form or another. And now that I'm comfortable with who I am, I am no longer willing to overlook those "little" flaws. For one thing, I can't stand to listen to someone make a snide remark about a person simply because he or she is different. No matter what the difference is, that person deserves to be loved, not picked on or singled out or made fun of. I will no longer ignore the snide remarks or turn the other cheek. I'm more apt to speak up and say, "hey, wait a minute. That's not right and you shouldn't be saying things like that." And I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear that, especially if it's coming from the person with whom you are having a relationship.
But, seriously, I don't want to be in a relationship. I would just like to have someone with whom I can go out; someone to go to dinner or the movies or whatever. But someone with whom I can also have sex and have pillow talks. But that someone has to be a very open, very nice person, willing to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I don't want to be without companionship for the rest of my living days. But I don't think the person who I would be willing to settle down with exists. And that makes me a little sad. And a lot lonely.
