Good or Bad, Memories Make Us Who We Are

Memories are a good thing. My wish is that every living person has the kind of memories they can fondly recall with a smile. It doesn't always work that way, I realize, but that is what my wish would be if there was a Jeanie in a bottle.

I have so many memories that make me smile. Not all of them do, mind you, but when I look back over my life, I mostly look at the ones that do.

I recently reconnected with a friend from high school. She had asked what I had been up to these past 25 years, and so I sat down and wrote a loooonnnggg letter detailing most of the past 25 years. She commented that I had faced much diversity and had survived with much resilience, strength, and forgiveness. I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. But now that she's mentioned it, I guess I have. I didn't know it showed through my writing, but I guess it does.

And then I began to think about how I was resilient and strong and how forgiveness did play a huge role in my life. How forgiveness still plays a huge roll.

You see, I believe that to forgive is divine. If you don't forgive them, they will hurt you in a way even they didn't anticipate. If you want them to let go of their hold on you, you have to forgive them. Whether you say it to their face or not is not important. What is important is the act of forgiveness itself. It's you letting go of the hurt and the wrong that was done to you.

There is enough negativity in this world as it is. You don't need to carry it around with you every day to add to it. You need to be able to survive this place until it's time to go home. In order to survive, you have to surround yourself with light and positive thoughts. You can't do that if you are harboring ill will or bad thoughts towards another person. The only person anger hurts is the person holding onto it. I believe this with all of my being.

So now when I look at the bad memories, the ones that don't make me smile, I find I use them as a learning tool. What did I learn that day? How can I use that to make myself a better person? How can I learn from their mistakes?

What really makes me laugh is when I bring up to my Mom some of the things she did to me that could be conceived as being bad. Like the time she caught me going through her purse looking for candy and thought I had taken some of her diet pills, so she made me drink mustard water then stuck her finger down my throat until I threw up. Whenever I bring up that for a long time I didn't like mustard because of that, she first denies that it ever happened, and then she becomes very defensive. "Why do you only remember the bad stuff?" she asks me in an angry voice. The truth is, I don't remember only the bad stuff. I remember good times, too. But I learn more from the bad times.

And, if I were to be perfectly honest, it's more fun to watch her squirm.

I rode my bicycle past your window last night

I love Melanie. Especially that song. I think about it every time I ride my bicycle. In the past 20 years, I have had to think about it without riding my bike, cuz that's how long it's been since I've ridden a bicycle.

But I got on my bike today and rode it up a hill, and down a hill, and stayed on it for 19 minutes!

That doesn't sound like much for most people, but for me, it was tremendous. Because last week, when my Uncle fixed my bike so I could ride it, I just took it around the block... down two streets, up one, and then home again. And was in a LOT of pain.

My left knee has arthritis in it. So much so that when I've been sitting for a long time, I limp when I stand and start walking. It has to work the kinks out before it will move as it should. Sometimes, I only have to sit long enough to drive to the store and when I get out of the car, I'm limping. And my knee had me thinking that I wasn't going to make it very long on the bike... cuz it was hurtin'. But I decided that I was NOT going to give in to the pain and pushed forward. And do you know what happened? After about the 10th block or so, the pain subsided. The up/down, up/down movement and bending of the knee worked the kinks out of the joint in a way I hadn't felt since I gave up physical therapy. And that allowed me to keep on pushing forward.

But then I had the big hill at the top of my street to face. I was going to avoid it altogether, but since the pain in my knee was no longer a factor, I wondered if I could climb that hill. After all, it's not a very big hill... just a steep hill. So I headed in that direction.

And I was thisclose to making it to the top of the hill. The strength in my legs gave out before I reached the very top. Then I thought that I might just turn around and head on home. But decided that I wasn't going to call it quits just yet. I had more energy in me... it was time to see what my limits were.

I rode about 5 minutes more and then turned towards home. I had to stop at a stop sign because cross traffic didn't stop and it was a major thruway, and when I pushed off, I was suddenly worried that I wasn't going to get up to speed. My thighs were burning!! But I made it and decided to keep the peddling steady and slow... after all, steady and slow wins the race, right? And I really didn't have that far to go to get home. And of course, there was that hill that I climbed to look forward to (cuz this time, I was going to go down!).

By the time I got to my driveway, my legs were a little shaky from the burn in my thighs, but I felt really good! Not so good when I looked at my watch and saw that I'd only been on the bike for 19 minutes. But it was 15 minutes longer than the last time I was on it, so I decided I would take it.

And then I also noticed something else.... I decided! I decided to keep on going. I decided to tackle that hill. I decided I was okay with 19 minutes ... this time!

Next time, I think I have decided I will be on my bike for 30 minutes!

Smart Phone Dilemma

So, I'm getting a smart phone for the first time ever. And I am having a really hard time trying to decide WHICH smart phone I want to get.

My BFF, Mary, has a Blackberry Curve, and absolutely loves it. Her husband, Mike, has a windows based phone, and absolutely loves it. My cousin, Mike, has an Android powered by Google, and absolutely loves it. OMG!!!

So, for the past three days I've been researching and comparing and reading customers' reviews. The only thing I know for certain is I do not want an iPhone. Don't ask me why I don't want one.. I just know that I don't.

I like the idea of the BB because of the QWERTY keyboard and the automatic updates it gets. I like the idea of the Android phone because just about everything I do on my computer is powered by Google so it would be an easy transition (I'm thinking) and I could continue to do things like blog or write my book from my phone if I so choose. The only downside is the touchscreen keyboard. My fingers are not used to that. But I just found out the phone I'm looking at has the SWYPE technology, which might come in handy. I have not yet ruled out the windows phone completely. But it's on the bottom of the list at this point.

Of the BB phones, I have it narrowed down to the Curve or the Bold. I like the camera feature on the Bold (3.2 mp compared to 2mp on the Curve). But the music features on the Curve are more expansive than on the Bold.

Of the Android phones, I really, really like the Samsung Captivate. It's got a larger screen with better resolution; it's got a 5mp camera with a 4x zoom; it's got a built-in pedometer!! I like that extra the best! But the Captivate is more expensive than the Blackberry. So then I compared the Captivate to other phones in its price range, and for the price, the Captivate is the best deal AT&T offers.

So, while I haven't made up my mind yet... completely... I'm leaning towards the Samsung Captivate, an Android phone powered by Google.

I hope I make the right decision on Wednesday!!

Goodbye Harry Potter

What a wonderful ride the Harry Potter train has been!!

I didn't discover the books. I heard about them when the third book was released. I wanted to know what all the hubbub was about. So I borrowed book one from the library and read the whole book in about three days. I fell in love with Harry, Ron and Hermione. I couldn't get enough of them! I immediately borrowed book two and read it. It took me a little longer to get completely through book two... mostly because I had young children at home vying for my attention. By the time I got to book three, book four was being released. It wasn't until the release of year 5 did I find myself waiting for the release of the book. Not to mention the movies.

Oh the movies were wonderful! To finally see in living color what I could only once picture in my mind. Of course, not everything looked as I had envisioned it, but that was okay with me. I loved each movie as it was released and couldn't wait for the next one to come. The only movie I was disappointed with was "Prisoner of Azkabhan." I thought they could have put more of the book into the movie, but understood why they had to cut some of it out. And I've seen every single one of the movies on the big screen!

But this last one was the only one available to be seen in 3D. Oh what an adventure I had with this 8th movie. I was ever so happy to learn they were breaking up the last book into two movies, even if it meant I had to wait an additional 8 months to see the last half.... it was well worth it! It meant less would be compromised and more of the book would make it into the movie. And I was right!!

I am NOT disappointed with this last installment. It was brilliantly done... the acting, the directing, and the editing. I couldn't have been happier if I had done it myself. Not that I could, but I think you understand what I mean.

But oh... I am so sad that this whole thing has to come to an end. JK Rowling did such a wonderful job making us fall in love with the characters and the settings, we hate to say goodbye. But I understand why .... after all, now that Voldemort is no longer in the picture, their lives must be looking pretty mundane... pretty normal. And who wants to get lost in that??

Thank God for DVDs. So I can relive the story over and over and over again as often as I want. And I will, too!!

Wait for the weight loss ... will it ever come?

I have always had issues with my weight. My biggest issue is that I'm big. As in fat... or more precisely, morbidly obese. These issues began when I began puberty. Until then, I was a skinny kid without a worry in the world. In fact, I did not even realize I was getting fat. Not even when I was pulled out of 6th grade and put into a "special" P.E. class for overweight and uncoordinated kids. There were four of us in that class. Two of us were "fat." What I remember most about that class was my teacher, or instructor, gave the two of us fat kids special exercises to do and I did them, but I continued to gain weight throughout the duration of the class and before the school year ended, I remember he asked me, "Why are you gaining weight?" I said, "I don't know." And I didn't. I was a very active kid so there was no reason I should be continually gaining weight, yet I was. At the last weigh in for my 6th grade year, I weighed 117 pounds. I was 11 years old and about 5'2". During the summer, I went to the park with my brother as often as my mother would allow, went swimming when my mother allowed, rode my bike as often as I could, and played in the neighborhood when none of these options were available to me. In other words, I was active. When the new school year began ... 7th grade, middle school ... I was weighed in as a matter of routine, I think, because I had been in a "special" P.E. class the year before. I measured at 5'4" (grew 2" over the summer) and weighed in at 125 pounds. What I wouldn't give to look like that today! No one every commented on my weight gain, but it kind of hung over my head that entire year and suddenly, I knew I was fat.

The needle on the scale moved progressively to the right with each year. Always remaining mostly active, it was forever a puzzle to those around me why I was continuing to gain weight. By the time I graduated high school, I was 5'7" and weighed in at 175 pounds. Some of that was height, yes, but a lot of it was fat. And still the scale moved towards the right. The winter after I graduated, my family moved me out to the middle of nowhere, where I became, for the first time, truly sedentary. I did nothing but eat and sleep for about 3 months and ballooned to 260 pounds. That pretty much told me everything I needed to know about me.

Of course, it wasn't until years later that I put two and two together to come up with a theory that made sense. I was never meant to be thin. I don't have to be as fat as I am, but I was never meant to be thin. What a heart-wrenching discovery that was. But once I came to terms with it, and began to accept the fact that I am what I am, I started liking myself again and it began to show. And gradually, I began to lose weight. And gain weight, and lose weight, and gain weight.

I reached an all-time high of 325 pounds when I was about 27 or 28 years old. Then I began to seriously work on making that scale needle move to the left. I was mostly successful and got down to 240-something just before I married my second husband. Then the needle began its gradual ascent to the right - again. Of course, it doesn't help that I got pregnant - twice. And each time I got pregnant, my husband indulged my every craving! (bad husband!! LOL) In my 30's, I was able to keep my weight between 250 and 280, yo-yo-ing in between each pregnancy.

Until finally, I got a job that kept this old body moving. After surviving the first winter, I didn't know if I could do another winter. When you've been morbidly obese your entire adult life, your body develops arthritis, and I had it in the worst places... knees, hips, back, hands. I didn't know if I could survive another winter. But, I survived my second summer, taking off some more weight and gaining some muscle which helped me get through the next winter. It also set up a pattern of weight loss and gain that would stick around until I quit smoking and eventually quit the company. I would gain back about half the weight I had lost over the summer during the winter ... then come summer, it was like starting over again. Except that by the time I got to my 4th winter, I had lost more than I gained and was back down to 260 pounds (after getting back up to 305 just prior to starting this new job). Then I decided to quit smoking. And then my Aunt needed my help and I quit my job. And then I moved to Idaho.

Slowly but surely, I have gained back 30 pounds, and am nearly back to where I was just 4 years ago. I was so disgusted with myself that I just about gave up on me. But after some much needed soul searching, I think I've finally reached that point I need to be to make the needle move again towards the left.

I've begun walking the dog at least once a day. I try to walk her twice a day, but it doesn't always work out that way. My uncle got me Zumba Dance for the WII, but I've only done that once so far. And there are days when I'm sooo tired that I just don't want to do anything at all. I think those are the days that follow a day where I eat nothing but crap all day. So, I am trying to eat better foods, make better choices, and stay more active. That's the only way, really, to make the needle move to the left. And this morning (7/16/11), I stood on the scale and the needed did indeed move to the left - two marks. I've lost 2 pounds in a week.

I hope to keep it up. I have looked up OA meetings in my area and made a list of them. I think about going to one every day.

I try oh-so-hard to keep my mind set in the right place... in the place it needs to be so that I can work on my physical self.

Because no one can do this for me.

This is something that I must do for myself.

As I sit in my new home, working on my new computer, watching my new TV, with the rubble of the construction of my new room immediately behind me, I think about my Aunt Paula. I think about her because all of this which is new to me was once hers. She used to sit where I am now sitting, writing on the same computer, watching the same TV, with the room behind her that is now becoming my bedroom. I can often feel her with me as I ramble about the house, cleaning or cooking or rearranging. I've begun to organize parts of the house that haven't been cleaned or organized in a very long time. And as I do, I wonder what she would say about what I am doing if she were still here.

I haven't taken down any of her wall decorations or knick-knacks. But I have reorganized some of the kitchen and the pantry to my liking. I think I will leave the den the way she decorated it... but I will be rearranging some of her decorations to be more pleasing to the eye. I wonder if her arrangements pleased her eye. More than likely, she just put them up where they fit. She decorated the den in a southwestern/American Indian theme. She has at least one dreamcatcher on each wall, along with at least one picture of an American Indian and some kind of trinket, like a peace pipe, for instance. But because she only has a certain amount of each, she spaced them out so she could put one on each wall. Unfortunately, it doesn't flow well. And, there is more to go up that she never got to because she couldn't find a place where they would fit. So I will take everything down and rearrange it with a more fung shuay (spelling?) feel. I want to leave these decorations as a commemoration of her. She loved this look, and I loved her.

My new room will be another story, altogether. I am looking forward to painting the new walls a color which I will enjoy. And in a way that I've been dreaming of for a very long time. Because I love and miss the ocean, I'm thinking very seriously of picking paint colors that will allow me to have a beachy kind of feel. Sandy brown at the bottom, ocean blue (or blue/green) in the middle, with sky blue at the top and on the ceiling. I'm going to have a lot of fun with this!

And all the while I'm think about how I'm going to paint my room, and how I'm going to arrange my furniture and decorate with the stuff I brought with me, I can almost feel her opinions in my head. Which makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.

And I remember a conversation I had with my aunt a couple of years ago. She was once again trying to talk me into moving to Idaho. I told her I wasn't yet ready to move to Idaho but I would in a few years. She said she was afraid it would be too late to spend any quality time with her. And now I am sitting here, where she wanted to me be, but too late to enjoy it with her.

The Art of Caregiving

It's not something about which we give a lot of thought. I mean, obviously if you're a parent, you are accustomed to being a caregiver. But caring for an elderly person is somewhat different than caring for a child.

For instance, children are learning things for the first time and you get to be their teacher. Whereas older persons have already learned as much as they want to learn and are set in their ways. That presents quite a challenge at times. Especially if the person receiving the care has a good day. One in which she feels like a healthy, younger person. It is not unusual for her to resort to her old ways, which can sometimes be a pain in the arse. Especially if her old ways were bossy ways.

I mention this because I am currently caring for my aunt, who sometimes appears much older than her 66 years. On her bad days, she spends most of her days sleeping and moaning in pain and there's nothing I can do for her that will help or please her. She just wants to be left alone. But on her good days, she directs me to do things at an almost constant pace. I will just sit down to relax when an idea strikes her and she asks me (or more accurately tells me) to do something else. Some days she will have me on my feet nearly the entire time I'm with her and she'll say to me, "And you just thought you were going to relax." Which makes me smile, because this is the Aunt that I love and remember.

There was a time when she would make me frustrated with all of her demands. But her good days are so infrequent, that it actually makes me smile and my heart sing. And her good days have become my good days. I can actually feel the difference in my mood and my spirit on her good days. I feel more up, more alive, more happy when she is awake and talkative with no pain.

Most of my days are spent sitting quietly in the corner of the room reading or knitting or facebooking from my phone, watching her sleep or paying attention to what the nurses are doing. And I talk to her other visitors: my parents, my aunt Carol (her older sister), my uncle, and her son when he can make it down there, and her brother and sister in law. And when her sisters are there, they will ask her if there's something they can do for her, and she will snap at them when she's not feeling well. It's actually quite funny.

When she's having a painful moment, she will lean to one side and sometimes it will look as though she is looking for something. If the sisters are there, they will ask her, "Is there something you need?" or "What can I get for you?" And invariably she will say, "Nothing. If I want something I will ask you for it." And not in a nice way, either. I mean, would you be a nice person if you were in a lot of pain? I smile when she says this. Because I have been there long enough to know that she's not looking for anything, nor does she want anything, other than for the pain to go away. And when her pain is really bad, all she really wants is to be left alone anyway.

So I sit quietly and wait for her to ask for something. And sometimes I wonder if she realizes that I'm in the room. But then, she'll say something like, "I need some ice." or "Is it time for my pain shot?" out of the blue and I know that she knows that I'm there. Which makes me feel better. Because she doesn't even have to check to see if I am there. She knows that I will get her whatever she needs or wants. And she knows that I am taking care of her.... or rather, giving her care.

Dating website update

For five and a half months, I have winked at men, sent emails, and changed my profile a dozen or more times. When I do get a response to my inquiries, it has been "Thanks, but no thanks." Usually I get no response at all.

And yet, I still hold out hope of finding that special someone.

The six months that I paid for is almost up. The site offers a six month guarantee that says if you do not find a match in six months, you get the next six months free. When I first signed up on this site, it was strictly for research purposes. When I went ahead and paid for the six month stint, I decided "what the hell." I'll give it a shot and see how good they really are at finding that certain someone for someone like me. So far, they arent' very good at all.

Not that they haven't tried. Unfortunately, they keep setting me up for failure. They keep sending me men that are looking for THE perfect woman. You know, slender, toned, about average body type. Blonde. Pretty. Young. There aren't many men out there looking for old, fat women.

But I might have a better shot if they sent me men that would be willing to go out with bigger women. You know, the bigger than average man. Oh, don't get me wrong... I can go to the search area and find men like that. The problem seems to be that that guy doesn't seem to be seriously looking on that site. Perhaps he just decided to give it a try but hasn't paid for his membership. That means he isn't getting my emails. And believe me, I'm sending them out.

Last night I went into the search perameters and saw a guy that looked interesting. So I perused his profile. He didn't have much to say, but in the area off to the side that shows what he is looking for and compares it to what I'm looking for, it showed that we matched in 21 out of 22 ways. That's the most matches I have ever seen. Hell, I match myself only 20 out of 22 ways. So I emailed him. I'm hopeful that he'll respond. So far, I haven't heard from him.

In the meantime, I have less than 2 weeks left in the six month subscription that I paid for. I'm anxiously waiting to see how the free six months will work. And more importantly, I hope they honor their agreement.