People are funny, aren't they? I suppose if you're listening to the Doors, people could be strange. But mostly, I think they are funny. Especially the people that surround me every day.
I was thinking about my husband this morning. We have been separated for five and a half years, but are now living in the same house again. We've been living in my uncle's house for the past eight months: me, because this is where I'm going to stay for quite a long time; him, because he is not financially stable enough to get his own place yet. Life has not always been easy. After we moved to Idaho, and because we are living in the same house, it didn't take long to fall back into the old habit of acting like a married couple. And as much as I tried to keep things on an even keel, there have been fights. Thankfully, there has only been one really big fight, but it was enough for me to realize that I cannot continue to live with this man. I'm actually quite surprised that he is doing as well as he is living here. He normally cannot live with people because of their "rules." He's strange, I know. Or funny, however you want to look at it.
But there is a side to him that I sometimes wish I did not know about. For instance, not that long ago, when the weather was really cold, we were driving to the store (which is not just up the street since we live in a farming community) and we were passing these farms with cows and horses, and he said, "I don't think I could ever be a farmer." "Why not?" I asked. "Because," he replied, "I think it's cruel to leave the horses and cows outside in the cold and I wouldn't be able to bring them into the house, and I would want to bring them in the house." That statement spoke volumes to me.
And just this morning, I was watching my dog look at him. I got my dog three years ago when he was in his own place and I had my own place and she was my brother's and my dog. I fed her and loved her, and my brother played with her and loved her. She loved us but she never looked at us the way she looks at my husband. And the fact that she looks at him with that much love and adoration speaks volumes to me. I always knew he had a good heart. He just keeps it buried and hidden from the outside world in a pool of alcohol. And that changes him. Makes him the person I don't want to be around. And it makes me wonder why he chooses to do that. Because he knows that he's an alcoholic, but refuses to do anything about it. He says he likes his beer. But it's more than that, I think. As much as he has to live for (his two sons, for one thing), and as much as he's lost because of his drinking (namely me), and he still chooses to remain stuck in the world of addiction.
Perhaps he's afraid of what he'll be trading his addiction of alcohol for if he were to ever quit drinking. Because addicts trade one addiction for another. I know a great many addicts who are in recovery. And altho they are no longer doing drugs, or gambling, or drinking, there is most definitely a replacement in their lives in one form or another. I've watched a friend become addicted to energy drinks, give those up only to become addicted to pepsi, give that up only to become addicted to power and money. It's a vicious cycle. I've seen it over and over again. Unfortunately, until they find out what is causing the addiction in the first place and fix that, they will always find something to which they will become addicted. And I'm sure he's seen that also. He may play stupid and dumb at times, but I know that he is observant and not as stupid and dumb as he allows himself to appear.
And so, I sit here and wait for my trainer to become available so that I can get out of this place that he is in, if for no other reason than to leave the tension that is building up and threatening to cause a fight. Because even tho he knows that it is I who makes this house run smoothly, he will still find a reason to get angry and take it out on me. It's the pattern that I got tired of and made me leave him in the first place. It's that pattern, which is spurned by alcohol, that he seems unwilling to change.
Funny... or strange... indeed.
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