As I sit in my new home, working on my new computer, watching my new TV, with the rubble of the construction of my new room immediately behind me, I think about my Aunt Paula. I think about her because all of this which is new to me was once hers. She used to sit where I am now sitting, writing on the same computer, watching the same TV, with the room behind her that is now becoming my bedroom. I can often feel her with me as I ramble about the house, cleaning or cooking or rearranging. I've begun to organize parts of the house that haven't been cleaned or organized in a very long time. And as I do, I wonder what she would say about what I am doing if she were still here.

I haven't taken down any of her wall decorations or knick-knacks. But I have reorganized some of the kitchen and the pantry to my liking. I think I will leave the den the way she decorated it... but I will be rearranging some of her decorations to be more pleasing to the eye. I wonder if her arrangements pleased her eye. More than likely, she just put them up where they fit. She decorated the den in a southwestern/American Indian theme. She has at least one dreamcatcher on each wall, along with at least one picture of an American Indian and some kind of trinket, like a peace pipe, for instance. But because she only has a certain amount of each, she spaced them out so she could put one on each wall. Unfortunately, it doesn't flow well. And, there is more to go up that she never got to because she couldn't find a place where they would fit. So I will take everything down and rearrange it with a more fung shuay (spelling?) feel. I want to leave these decorations as a commemoration of her. She loved this look, and I loved her.

My new room will be another story, altogether. I am looking forward to painting the new walls a color which I will enjoy. And in a way that I've been dreaming of for a very long time. Because I love and miss the ocean, I'm thinking very seriously of picking paint colors that will allow me to have a beachy kind of feel. Sandy brown at the bottom, ocean blue (or blue/green) in the middle, with sky blue at the top and on the ceiling. I'm going to have a lot of fun with this!

And all the while I'm think about how I'm going to paint my room, and how I'm going to arrange my furniture and decorate with the stuff I brought with me, I can almost feel her opinions in my head. Which makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.

And I remember a conversation I had with my aunt a couple of years ago. She was once again trying to talk me into moving to Idaho. I told her I wasn't yet ready to move to Idaho but I would in a few years. She said she was afraid it would be too late to spend any quality time with her. And now I am sitting here, where she wanted to me be, but too late to enjoy it with her.